11 Reasons Why Donald Trump's Latest Interview Makes Me Want to Jump in Front of a Bus

Late Wednesday evening, the New York Times published excerpts from the transcript of its latest interview with President Donald Trump.

Folks? It’s… a lot. Like, “curl into the fetal position and softly cry to yourself while hugging a picture of your loved ones” a lot. The transcript shows a president oscillating wildly from subject to subject without any sort of grasp on what he’s actually talking about. Which is par for the course with Trump, but this is bad even for him.

Here, for your masochistic pleasure, are the 11 most bonkers moments from the interview.

TRUMP: He’s a great guy. Smart. Strong. Loves holding my hand.

HABERMAN: I’ve noticed.

TRUMP: People don’t realize he loves holding my hand. And that’s good, as far as that goes.

Trump, whose, uh, unique handshaking style has been the subject of much speculation, spent an excruciating 25 seconds clinging desperately to the hand of Emmanuel Macron during his recent visit to Paris.

Also the person who said this is the president of the United States.

On France’s Bastille Day parade:

But the Bastille Day parade was — now that was a super-duper — O.K. I mean, that was very much more than normal. They must have had 200 planes over our heads. Normally you have the planes and that’s it, like the Super Bowl parade. And everyone goes crazy, and that’s it. That happened for — and you know what else that was nice? It was limited. You know, it was two hours, and the parade ended. It didn’t go a whole day. They didn’t go crazy. You don’t want to leave, but you have to. Or you want to leave, really.

These things are going on all day. It was a two-hour parade. They had so many different zones. Maybe 100,000 different uniforms, different divisions, different bands. Then we had the retired, the older, the ones who were badly injured. The whole thing, it was an incredible thing.

This guy loves parades! In fact, they’re reportedly one of the reasons Trump decided to visit Paris in the first place, after having being promised a military procession while he was there. Trump loves watching machines of war parade down city streets so much, he allegedly asked the Pentagon for pictures of “military tactical vehicles” for use in his inaugural celebration.

Also the person who said this is the president of the United States.

On Napoleon and Russia:

Well, Napoleon finished a little bit bad. But I asked that. So I asked the president [Macron], so what about Napoleon? He said: “No, no, no. What he did was incredible. He designed Paris.” [garbled] The street grid, the way they work, you know, the spokes. He did so many things even beyond. And his one problem is he didn’t go to Russia that night because he had extracurricular activities, and they froze to death. How many times has Russia been saved by the weather? [garbled]

Napoleon’s “little bit bad” finish actually involved a lifetime exile on the Atlantic island of Saint Helena, where he eventually died of stomach cancer. But hey, the spokes!

Also…he didn’t design Paris. That was another Napoleon.

Also the person who said this is the president of the United States.

On Hitler, and also, yup, Russia again:

Same thing happened to Hitler. Not for that reason, though. Hitler wanted to consolidate. He was all set to walk in. But he wanted to consolidate, and it went and dropped to 35 degrees below zero, and that was the end of that army.

Russia is estimated to have lost around 11 million soldiers, and anywhere from 7,000,000 and 20,000,000 civilians fighting the Nazis during World War II. But, yes, it’s also very cold there.

Also the person who said this is the president of the United States.

On Russian soldiers, and also how great everything else is:

But the Russians have great fighters in the cold. They use the cold to their advantage. I mean, they’ve won five wars where the armies that went against them froze to death. [crosstalk] It’s pretty amazing.

So, we’re having a good time. The economy is doing great.

Seamless transition, Mr. President.

Also the person who said this is the president of the United States.

On giving farmers farms, and builders buildings:

On the executive orders, we cut regulations tremendously. By the way, I want regulations, but, you know, some of the — you have to get nine different regulations, and you could never do anything. I’ve given the farmers back their farms. I’ve given the builders back their land to build houses and to build other things.

?!?!?!?!??!???!

Also the person who said this is the president of the United States.

On his awkward dinner with Akie Abe, who may or may not speak English.

So, I was seated next to the wife of Prime Minister Abe [Shinzo Abe of Japan], who I think is a terrific guy, and she’s a terrific woman, but doesn’t speak English.

HABERMAN: Like, nothing, right? Like zero?

TRUMP: Like, not “hello.”

HABERMAN: That must make for an awkward seating.

TRUMP: Well, it’s hard, because you know, you’re sitting there for——

HABERMAN: Hours.

TRUMP: So the dinner was probably an hour and 45 minutes.

As Talking Points Memo’s Sam Thielman pointed out, there is video evidence of Akie Abe speaking English quite well at a Ford Foundation event. It’s unclear, though, whether or not she speaks conversational English. Still, that Mrs. Abe may have faked a language barrier, just to avoid talking to President Trump is a tantalizing possibility.

Also the person who said this is the president of the United States.

On Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein:

TRUMP: Yeah, what Jeff Sessions did was he recused himself right after, right after he became attorney general. And I said, “Why didn’t you tell me this before?” I would have — then I said, “Who’s your deputy?” So his deputy he hardly knew, and that’s Rosenstein, Rod Rosenstein, who is from Baltimore. There are very few Republicans in Baltimore, if any. So, he’s from Baltimore. Now, he, we went through a lot of things. We were interviewing replacements at the F.B.I. Did you know Mueller was one of the people that was being interviewed?

Rod Rosenstein was born and raised in Philadelphia and was appointed as U.S. Attorney for the District Court of the District of Maryland by George W. Bush, during which time he lived in Bethesda.

Also the person who said this is the president of the United States.

On the role of the FBI director:

And nothing was changed other than Richard Nixon came along. And when Nixon came along [inaudible] was pretty brutal, and out of courtesy, the F.B.I. started reporting to the Department of Justice. But there was nothing official, there was nothing from Congress. There was nothing — anything. But the F.B.I. person really reports directly to the president of the United States, which is interesting. You know, which is interesting. And I think we’re going to have a great new F.B.I. director.

Per Trump, the only reason the FBI director isn’t a direct subordinate of the president of the United States is because Richard Nixon came along and ruined everything. But, Trump seems to suggest, his FBI nominee Chris Wray would and should report to him, and him alone. “Which is interesting.”

Also the person who said this is the president of the United States.

On his remarks in Warsaw, Poland:

So I go to Poland and make a speech. Enemies of mine in the media, enemies of mine are saying it was the greatest speech ever made on foreign soil by a president. I’m saying, man, they cover [garbled]. You saw the reviews I got on that speech. Poland was beautiful and wonderful, and the reception was incredible.

Trump’s July 6 speech in Warsaw’s Krasiński Square—co-authored by hardline advisor and dick voice-have-er Stephen Miller—was heralded by many as one of the president’s most transparent nods to the ultra-nationalism favored by white supremacists and member of the alt-right.

Also the person who said this is the president of the United States.

On his six-year-old granddaughter Arabella Kushner:

TRUMP: She spoke with President Xi [Jinping of China]. Honey? Can you say a few words in Chinese? Say, like, “I love you, Grandpa” —

KUSHNER: Wo ai ni, Grandpa.

BAKER: That’s great.

TRUMP: She’s unbelievable, huh?

[crosstalk]

TRUMP: Good, smart genes.

President Trump is reportedly a firm believer in racist theory of eugenics. As his former biographer Michael D’Antonio explained in a recent Frontline documentary: “The family subscribes to a racehorse theory of human development. They believe that there are superior people and that if you put together the genes of a superior woman and a superior man, you get a superior offspring.”

Also the person who said this is the president of the United States!!!!!!!!!