3 Times Paul F. Tompkins Had Us Worried

Paul F. Tompkins does a very fine job moderating political discussions among various forms of farm animals, meat products, and sea life on “No, You Shut Up. He’s probably doing it better than anyone else right now, in fact. But there are a few times that he’s made us a little nervous. Like, not for him? But for our own safety and that of his panelists?

Here’s what we mean:

“Assign Blame, Destroy Lives”

This was Paul’s bit of television advice to fellow Fusion Person (Fusioner? Fusionista?) Leon Krauze. I mean, it’s great advice. Probably the best advice we’ve ever heard, in fact. But it worries us, just a little. Because, you know, sometimes I’ll sit back with a snifter of brandy and look back on all the lives I’ve destroyed on my path to the sort of very moderate, relative success that my parents don’t recognize as real, and I wonder… What is those destroyed husks of humanity ever try to retaliate? What if Paul F. Tompkins tries to steal my brandy snifter?

That Time He Killed A Fish, Possibly

I mean. You don’t see things such as “chickenatarians” or “beefanatarians.” But you do see a whole mess of pescatarians running around somewhat slowly and anemically as they succumb to mercury poisoning. Why? Because no one cares about fish. People who look at pigs and think “I won’t eat that, even though bacon” are willing to gnaw on a fish stick and caviar like it’s nothing. That’s fish abortion, and you’re eating it. In fact, the only time people care about fish is when they mistakenly believe dolphins are fish, even though — fun fact — dolphins are most closely related to horseflies.

Still. One should take care not to murder a fish on cable news.

That Time He And A Vulture Had A Moment

Paul seems to know quite a lot about organ meat. And that tie wasn’t red at the beginning of the show. We’ll just leave it at that.