7 Emmys They Should Hand Out IRL

The 65th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards will take place on Sunday, September 22nd, when we’ll all retweet some very clever jokes about the clothing and ever-changing noses of television actors while watching Breaking Bad. Because, really, who genuinely cares about this year’s most outstanding guest actor in a drama series besides Harry Hamlin’s publicist and the people who live in the shrubbery around celebrity homes, subsisting only on Oxycontin dust and discarded California Pizza Kitchen boxes?

Instead, let’s focus on the awards that should be given out for the heroic, brave, inspiring performances we, the shrub dwellers, give each and every day of our lives.

Best Feigning Interest at a Meeting Involving Power Point

Best Dramatic Backtracking After Discussing Your Sim Family as if They Were Your Actual Relatives

Best Guest Performance on Someone Else’s Facebook Update

Best Art Direction on a Pinterest Board Dedicated to Animals Wearing Humorous Wigs

Best Almost Average Rendition of an Adele Song Performed in a Corporate Elevator

Best Twerk Performed in the Privacy of One’s Bedroom

Best Smile-And-Nod When Confronted With Roommate’s “Thought Catalog” Piece on Her Sexual Awakening at Camp

Truly heroic. Bravo, everyone.