A Short List of People and Things that Would Have Beat Joe Biden

President Joe Biden told USA Today that “based on the polling,” he thinks he would have beat Donald Trump in 2024, which is the kind of thinking, or lack thereof, that disqualified him from the race on national TV last summer. Barack Obama’s former speechwriter Jon Favreau said on Pod Save America that when the Kamala Harris campaign took over, they found internal Biden polling which showed that Trump was winning at least 400 electoral votes after the debate. This is what that map may have looked like.

To mirror how silly the outgoing president is being and reinforce how sad Bidenworld’s disbelief of the fake news polls has always been, here is but a fraction of a fraction of people and things that would have clearly beat Joe Biden in the election.

1. The empty chair Clint Eastwood yelled at that one time
2. Senior Presidential Advisor Hunter Biden
3. Ghislane Maxwell
4. Justin Trudeau
5. Pat McAfee
6. Migrating surfer bats
7. The bat that Manu Ginobili snatched out of the air
8. Adrian Dittman
9. Pete “We should not have women in combat roles” Hegseth
10. One of those Google-funded A.I. bots that tells kids to kill their parents
11. The trash can the Houston Astros beat on to cheat their way to a title
12. Kanye’s first album
13. Kanye’s auto-tune album
14. Drake
15. The Rizzler
16. Tucker Carlson’s alleged Kremlin handler
17. Tim Pool’s beanie
18. Donald Trump
19. Donald Trump Jr.
20. Melania Trump
21. Eric Trump
22. Ivanka Trump
23. Tiffany Trump
24. Barron Trump
25. Stormy Daniels

This is but a small slice of the planet who certainly would have defeated one of the least popular incumbent presidents in modern history if they had the opportunity. If you have any ideas about who or what else would have wiped the floor with Joe Biden in an election he was born to lose, post them in the comments below.