America Was Always Great at Spending Money on the Military 

Tonight, the Senate voted to approve a new military budget of $717 billion, an $83 billion increase from 2017. USA! We’re #1!

Everyone loves a good increase in military spending. It’s the one issue that never ceases to cross the party divide, uniting politicians who are funded by defense contractors and other politicians who are funded by defense contractors (but who also believe in gay marriage). Only seven Democrats and two Republicans, voted against the bill tonight, as Washington Post reporter Jeff Stein points out:

Politicians immediately took to Twitter to decry the astronomical new budget, which is more than the total of the next seven highest military spending countries’ budgets combined. “How will they pay for it?! Won’t anyone think of the deficit?!” columnists and consultants moaned, their cries heard from office towers and condos across our great nation.

Just kidding. No one asked how we’ll pay for it. They just assumed we will, like we always do. Because who needs health care, paid time off, affordable education, housing, or environmental protection when you have some big ass missiles and a $1.5 trillion fighter jet that doesn’t work?

Congrats to Congress, and to us, for living in the greatest country of all time.