BREAKING: Draft Day Won't Bring Football Back Sooner

The NFL’s 2014 Draft Day is only a few hours away. I know, I know, you’re on the edge of your seat wondering when Johnny Manziel will be picked, because as Johnny Football so eloquently put it, it would be “really, really cool” if he went to the Cowboys. And gee, I can’t wait to see him walk up to that new Drake song. That’s not going to be anticlimactic at all. No sir!

But, as we approach zero hour, I feel the need to tell you something about Draft Day. I’m letting you in on a little secret here.

DRAFT DAY WON’T BRING FOOTBALL BACK.

You know what Draft Day used to be? A night where a bunch of old white men dressed in suits sat in a cigar room and picked players written on a chalk board, signing players into contracts that didn’t provide post-retirement health care. You know what it is now? A night where a bunch of old white men dressed in suits basically do the same thing, just in a really large room in front of television cameras and a lot of electronic monitors. And now teams spend hundreds of thousands of dollars just to decide what player they want. After which, they spent tens of millions to hire them. But now players sign contracts that do provide post-retirement health care (what up players unions).

But you know what Draft Day isn’t? Football. It’s not football.

No butt fumbles

No Eli dopey face

No Knowshon Moreno

Again, no Knowshon Moreno

No Phil Sims explaining how to hold a football

And no Tom Brady desperately seeking a high five from someone. Anyone.

We leave you with the only good thing to ever come out of Draft Day. Tom Brady crying.