Common-Sense, Community-Based Solution to School Shootings Involves Hammers

Put this one in the “Good News” file: Lowe’s, the public school system—and a little American ingenuity—are teaming up to help teachers fight crazed gunmen in bloody hammer battles to the death.

School shootings can cause lots of unfortunate partisan feelings. Instead of allowing murders in the classroom to divide us into “right vs. left,” what if all of us—business, community, and terrified teachers grasping desperately for any available weapon with which to defend their lives—came together to focus on real solutions?

Aspiring school shooters, take heed: if you bring your AR-15 assault rifle to the classrooms of Brockton, Massachusetts, prepare to be faced by a middle-aged math teacher inexpertly wielding a hammer, as children crouch behind her with a roll of duct tape, prepared to bind your hands and feet in the unlikely event that her frenzied attempt to repel your armed assault succeeds.

And all of those items are backed by the Lowes quality guarantee.