Conservatives Are Melting Down Like Never Before Over the Latest Kavanaugh Allegations

The weeks since Brett Kavanaugh’s nomination, the start of his confirmation hearings and, since then, allegations of sexual assault made by three women, have lasted approximately one million years. But nothing is aging me quite like watching the conservative pundit class melt into a gelatinous mass of rape culture and Nationals caps faster than ever before over the latest accusations against Kavanaugh, brought to light today by attorney Michael Avenatti.

Let’s start with that “obvious question” everyone’s asking, via National Review editor Rich Lowry: Uh, why’d you go to the parties where the alleged gang-raping was happening anyway??

Read these tweets by inane Chinese food-hater Erick Erickson and try not to die instantly:

More of the same bullshit:

*sound of human-sized whoopee cushion*

[ACTUALLY VOICE] OK, OK, details aside, Kavanaugh never said he was a saint!!

Better yet, this is all so TIRING and we all agree that what these women have to say doesn’t matter so get on with the Process already:

What the hell does this even mean?

And last but not least, a word from Wife Haver Kurt Sphincter:

All told, I only caught a lone sensible conservative take on the whole thing:

We agree, for once.