Do Not Wash Your Cybertruck

Do not wash your Cybertruck in sunlight. Do not wash it in the dark either; wash only at the precise moment when daylight yields to dusk, the dark’ning sky sheathed in purples and fading golds.

Do not use soap to wash your Cybertruck; soap will cause blistering of the steel and can possibly result in the vehicle’s steering mechanism converting to a new religion with similarities to Wicca. Use only the Tesla brand approved Cybertruck Cleaning Fluid; the ingredients are available if you really need to know, simply send an 11.5″ x 14.5″ envelope — the kind with the little string that winds around a button — to Tesla’s headquarters, with an explanation written using a fountain pen why you simply must understand what goes into keeping your Cybertruck free of the world’s filth. You will receive a reply within six calendar years.

Do not address your Cybertruck directly while washing it. Speak only of idle gossip, of the weather — which, again, has some pretty clear requirements for this situation to even be taking place at all — or the latest results of international dressage competitions. Use a light tone if you must talk at all; hints of judgment or remonstrance will result in the rear two tires falling off, and the touchscreen will begin to bleed as from stigmata.

At a certain point in the process of washing your Cybertruck, it will pose a series of riddles. Failure to answer any of these correctly will lead your Cybertruck to shrink by 14 percent.

Do not vacuum the interior of your Cybertruck. Vacuuming will deeply offend the vehicle, and it will immediately engage self-driving mode in order to go on a walkabout in the Australian outback (it will engage its well-known Boat Mode to get there).

Instead, use tweezers to pick up any individual bits of detritus from the seats of the Cybertruck; leave the floors entirely alone — they are made of a collection of 26 million nano-sized robot snakes, which are programmed to fully dispose of any and all specks that fall. If you have driven the vehicle at any point in the previous nine weeks the snakes are not functional.

Do not wash your Cybertruck on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Fridays, or Sundays, if it is an odd month of the year. Do not wash in even months at all. The moon must be a waning gibbous moon. Jupiter and Mars must be visible in the sky — if it were dark enough to see them, which, as has been discussed, it should not be. Failure to heed timing restrictions will result in the Cybertruck’s battery starting a multi-level marketing company involving essential oils.

Do not dry your Cybertruck after washing. Place six rotating fans around its exterior at a distance of 7.5 feet, set at their lowest speeds, and allow them to gently blow the Cybertruck Cleaning Fluid from its surface over a period of three weeks. Failure to allow the full drying period will cause the vehicle to become encased in an amber-like shell that will last undisturbed for 65 million years.

Do not wash your Cybertruck.