Florida Man Fixes Climate Change

Florida governor and normal stander Ron DeSantis has fixed climate change, saving the country’s most vulnerable state from the rising seas, scorching heat, and powerful hurricanes. He did so with the simple flourish of a pen, signing into law a groundbreaking bill that, uh, removes most mentions of climate change from state law.

“The legislation I signed today [will] keep windmills off our beaches, gas in our tanks, and China out of our state,” he told Florida’s Voice, listing three things that are definitely real problems that needed addressing. Along with excising the evil term from state law, the bill removes climate change as a priority when making energy policy, among other things. Can’t talk about it, can’t consider it — gone!

The ban on offshore wind turbines in state waters is especially important; the companies that build such things have not even tried to do so in Florida, where calm tropical breezes are the norm, but DeSantis and the rest of the Florida GOP could feel them coming.

Vibes-based legislating, impressive stuff.

It’s a good thing the bill went through on Wednesday (it goes into effect July 1st, but who’s counting), just in time to stave off record-setting heat in the south of the state. Those records will fall in places including Key West, and heat index values in the Miami area are likely to reach as high as 110 degrees; fine May weather in a state with no climate-related issues whatsoever!

The bill should, apparently, raise the entire low-lying state up by several feet, and maybe will close up the porous limestone that makes up most of its landmass. Probably! Who can say? A hurricane season forecast to be well above average will now have to steer clear of Florida entirely, and Miami will have to be taken off the very top of lists of cities with the most climate-related assets at risk.

A good day for a very safe, very insurable state.