Get a C-Section, Save a Vagina

For the past several years, U.S. Cesarean birth rates have hovered around 30 percent. The World Health Organization (WHO) will tell you this is a bad thing in that no place on Earth — developed or otherwise — should this percentage be higher than fifteen.

But what do they know? The world expert on all things health related doesn’t mean jack here. This is America and just like football we do things how we wanna do things.

A national study conducted by the near century old not-for-profit organization, Childbirth Connection, asked women who had Caesareans births when and why they had it. The published results found that 25 percent of the women polled said they were pressured into it by their docs.

Only 25%? Now that’s shocking!

Why aren’t more women just scheduling these things? I just can’t wait to get pregnant and pencil in my procedure. And here’s why:

That office pool betting on the birth date is mine as long as no one notices my stitches when they come to visit in the hospital, or that I’m not eating solid food, or the painkillers I down every four hours so I can get up to pee or breastfeed the baby. Mwah-ha-ha!

Thankfully, my doctor told me about all that so I’ll know what to expect — a walk in the park.

Surgeries today are like taking out your tonsils. This is practically an out-patient procedure.
Infections? That’s what antibiotics are for.

Go ahead induce me! Even though I’m not dilated and just a couple days past my due date, babies need to come on time damn-it! Someone get that fetus off its ass and out into the real world already, especially before my OB hops that cruiser to Bimini next Wednesday.

Let’s face it: even if there’s no medical reason to have one…like I don’t have a fever, my kid isn’t in breech, there’s no sign of preeclampsia…Caesareans are worth the risk of infection and respiratory complications. Especially to avoid the unthinkable: I don’t want my kid growing up hating Christmas because he shares a birthday with Jesus! Can’t a 12-year-old get a birthday present without Santa on the damn wrapping paper!

And it’s not just the baby I’m thinking about here. I’ve got needs, too.

Babies these days are like double the size they used to be and even if that estimate is off you’ll have already had the C-section by the time the doctor figures that out. Sure, most attempts at weighing babies inside the womb result in over-estimating, a generalization healthcare professionals already know, but why would they tell you that? They’re doing you a favor making you think that kid’s ten pounds even if she’s only like seven and a half.

I definitely don’t want a bowling ball coming out there, so please doc…tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies. I’m only 27! I can’t have natural childbirth steamrolling the flower of my youth — as Granny would call it — that’s what my thirties are for.

Besides what doc is going to want to listen to me screaming bloody murder for an eight-hour natural delivery if he could just do it all himself and get a bigger paycheck?

Hello, Medicaid is paying for half these procedures and the government would tell us if there was something wrong.

Sure, my body was designed to give birth. Sure, other women will think I’m so cool for doing it the “natural” way, like Miranda Kerr and Beyonce – they’re so cool. But I’m not that shallow!

I’m not just going to get invasive surgery because it’s my choice! I’m going to schedule it because I’m in a very vulnerable position and in the hands of a healthcare professional who’s taking advantage of me.

But who can blame him? My doctor knows exactly what’s best for me and if that happens to be more convenient for him, even better!

The trick is getting me to think a Caesareans is my idea and some docs are better at that than others. I’m going to have to do some serious research to find the right one.