Get Ready for the Dumbest People Alive to Get “Rich” and Lose it All Again

Disclosure: None of this is obviously financial advice and if you gamble based off of realities I inform you about, that does not make me your CFP.

Looks like it’s a crypto bull market, folks. One of my foundational promises to my Splinter audience is that I would only use my finance degree and crypto background for good, and I have stayed true to my word in alerting you to only the dumbest shit or any big news from one of the dumbest sectors of the American economy.

Crypto is taking a victory lap, as it is one of the clear winners from this election. The industry was the largest corporate donor in 2024, and it reshaped both parties in its own image. There are widespread expectations in Washington today that Trump, America’s famed champion of the little guy thanks to a wholly incompetent and elitist Democratic Party, will appoint hedge fund mogul Scott Bessent to be the next Treasury Secretary. Bessent has publicly expressed pro-crypto sentiment and the crypto market is going crazy this past week thinking that America voted for them.

Lefties understandably were dismayed seeing Kamala Harris put out that pro-crypto platform during the campaign, but the political realities imposed by their spending power made some sort of concession inevitable. Crypto lobbyists saw the fundamental cynicism inherent in American politics, exacerbated by the Supreme Court’s wholly anti-democratic Citizens United decision, and put their absurd gains to work. There is an angle to their influence in this election that is a “don’t hate the player, hate the game” kind of deal, even though there are so, so many reasons to hate the player.

Now, I think it’s likely we should prepare for the crypto market to give these players the opportunity to reap the rewards of this lobbying victory (again, not financial advice and I could be wrong, and this could be the pico top).

I say opportunity because now this is where I expand on my own crypto experience, and I can promise you that all the dudebros copy/pasting pictures of fancy watches from Instagram and asserting they just bought them have all missed the boat on a lot of coins before and they will again. One of the classic crypto archetypes is a guy watching his shitcoin go up in immense unrealized value, all while he shoves his unrealized net worth in front of everyone, then one day he wakes up and Bitcoin is down 30 percent and shitcoins are down 50 percent and all those unrealized gains he did not realize while he was flexing on everyone have evaporated. Then he begs the chart to go up again while his shitcoin circles the drain on lower and lower volume, going down 95 percent and then 95 percent again and just when he thinks it’s not mathematically possible for it to go any lower…it makes another 95 percent leg down again. I have been paying attention to this stuff since 2013, and some things never change, and they never will.

Some, like myself, even took out leverage in pursuit of higher gains in the past, and now when the market falls, can find themselves somehow losing money in a bull market where everything goes up at least five percent every day and your grandma is even making money on dog coins. The funny irony of crypto is that people who buy Bitcoin and forget it exists for four years out-perform no less than 95 percent of everyone in crypto who trades this stuff every day.

I write this as a comforting warning to my lefty compatriots because over the coming months and year and possibly longer, you will likely see a wide, yet narrow, variety of douchebags invade your feed flexing money they have not made because they are too stupid to find the sell button.

It’s gonna be so, so stupid, folks. I have seen the memecoins for this cycle, and they are pure lizard brain. Not to mention that I also suspect that Elon Musk is scooping up Dogecoin right now for his idiotic Department Of Government Efficiency scheme that he claims can cut $2 trillion of a government budget that functionally is not that big (DOGE is up as much as 400 percent the past three weeks on pretty inflated volume relative to everything else also up big).

Trump’s chief dumbfuck has always dreamed of making Dogecoin something people use, which is literally a copy/paste of Bitcoin’s code from 2014 that no one has worked on seriously because it’s not a real thing and was created as a joke. It would be the perfect metaphor for Trumpian misgovernance to put some sort of government function on the least functioning major cryptocurrency. It may cost a gajillion dollars in fees to buy a dog coin on Ethereum, but at least you know the chain works. Now in our dystopian near future you may have to file your taxes on DOGE and have no fucking idea whether the transaction cleared because not even crypto people are dumb enough to believe that Elon can make this meme a functioning chain.

So if you are like me and are going to join this parade of idiots and gamble on the back of a victory for corruption and ignorance, you should also join me in pledging to donate at minimum, half of your profits from all kinds of market gains under Trump, to funds that support abortion access (Jezebel has a great list here) and a litany of other local aid groups who will need resources to combat this new sinister world enveloping us.

Not buying crypto won’t stop Trump and Elon-brained idiots from buying crypto now that this land of vaporware has a narrative to latch on to, but as someone who first became interested in this stuff in 2013 before these VC dickbags ruined the dream of a decentralized financial system not designed for the Western elite, I can promise you that buying crypto and then actually selling crypto makes you better at crypto than most crypto bros. Donating to causes they oppose with winnings they were too stupid and egotistical to realize is one small way to get back at these revanchist set of douchebags.