Golden Balls: Our Dreams For the Golden Globes

The Golden Globes are the closest thing most of us have to seeing a celebrity party in person. There’s drinks, dinner, Amy Poehler and Tina Fey. And you know what? We have some thoughts on how we’d like the evening to pan out.

But in reality, the Golden Globes are just a series of trophies awarded by about 90 Hollywood journalists. These things never work out as they should, so let’s break down our dreams for the night and how they will mostly be crushed on Sunday.

The Champagne:

Dream: Some nominee does what most of us proles would do: gets accidentally wasted off that really classy champagne. It honestly doesn’t matter which nominee, just someone to prove that celebrities have something in common with us and thereby justify our lack of self control.

Reality: Everyone will mostly keep their shit together. Their careers are on the line here.

Best Actress in a Motion Picture, Comedy:

Dream: Greta Gerwig wins Best Actress in the category, giving her the recognition she deserves for the beautiful honest work and performance that was Frances Ha. The movie was what we wish Girls could be; a real, hopeful portrayal of female friendship and what it’s like to be young-ish and broke in New York City.

Reality: Amy Adams/American Hustle are too well-liked and buzzed-about to be passed up. Also, there’s Queen Meryl to deal with in this category too. Even among Hollywood journalists, high school never ends and people are often driven by popularity.

Best Original Song:

Dream: Either Inside Llewyn Davis’ “Please Mr. Kennedy” or that song from Frozen win for Best Original Song.

Reality: Taylor Swift is being backed by Harvey Weinstein, so it’s pretty easy to see her coming out on top here. Also, the Globes love to give awards in the Best Original Song category to the most famous act (see Madonna winning for W.E. when that song only played in the end credits of the objectively horrible movie), so it’s possible that Coldplay or Bono will probably win because there’s no justice in the world. Oh my God, are you picturing how Anne-Hathaway-like any of the aforementioned nominees’ acceptance speeches would be? I hope I have to go to the bathroom when that happens. That’s it, I’m not going to pee until this category comes up.

Best Original Screenplay:

Dream: Spike Jonze wins Best Original Screenplay for Her because it was simply the most inspired, original screenplay in all these original works.

Reality: David O. Russell and Eric Warren Singer will win for American Hustle because no one can stop talking about American Hustle. Also, no movie has won Best Screenplay without also having a Best Director nomination since 1992. Think about how young you were in 1992. Think about all the dreams you had for your life in 1992. There, are you sad now?

The Television Awards:

Dream: People will really, truly pay attention to the television awards because some of the nominees turned in the best work/performances in the industry this year (looking at you, Bryan Cranston).

Reality: The Globes are basically a precursor to the Oscars, so most people will basically ignore television’s inclusion at all.

The Hosts:

Dream: Amy Poehler and Tina Fey will be the best hosts of the awards season.

Reality: Amy Poehler and Tina Fey will be the best hosts of the awards season.