Have these Idiotic Pearl-Clutching Republicans Ever Met Donald Trump?

“Trump will moderate, he’s pragmatic. Don’t worry.”

“The tariffs are just a negotiating ploy.”

“He’s just trolling the libs.”

These are all justifications that many dumbfucks in the leopards eating faces party have used to justify their support for Trump as anything other than fully debasing themselves for the most insecure man ever created so he can lower their taxes. These people enthusiastically shoved their heads inside the leopard’s jaw and are now clutching their pearls as it sprints away with their cheekbones.

Donald Trump named credibly accused sex criminal Matt Gaetz to be his Attorney General yesterday, and many on the right are getting the vapors. Senator Chuck Grassley had to take a moment to compose himself of the news when he heard it, and the Wall Street Journal Editorial Board is out with a Very Serious scolding of Trump today titled, “Matt Gaetz Is a Bad Choice for Attorney General.” There is an uproar among the elite conservative class as they confront the potential reality of Matt Gaetz, the law of the land.

Tough shit dumbfucks. This is what you wanted. Roll in it. All of you are Matt Gaetz now.

To be clear, I am not endorsing this gobsmackingly unqualified doofus for one of the most important positions in the government. No one Trump appoints to anything should ever be near the levers of power. Splinter will not be following certain former Intercept writers down the Greenwaldian rabbit hole that destroys so much brain matter that you come out on the other side believing Gaetz is a populist hero. He’s a boob who sells himself to the highest bidder.

But he’s Trump’s boob, which means he’s the GOP’s boob.

Trump is made entirely of Big Macs, Diet Coke and cable news narratives, so of course now that he is as empowered as he has ever been, his cabinet appointments like Gaetz or Pete “women shouldn’t serve in combat” Hegseth are all from or reflect the broader Fox News cinematic universe. This is the world that Republican politics has built, and it has won them elections, so I would appreciate it if these fascist fucks would shut the fuck up for one day and live the life they have chosen for themselves.

Despite the terrific journalism you can find every day in the Wall Street Journal, the editorial page is another thing entirely, and it has provided a superficial veneer of unearned credibility for the Republican Party for way too long. Many other establishment types like it are desperately searching for some kind of influence over Trump to push him away from this decision today, which is a neat little test run for how their freakout will go when he actually tries to impose his tariffs. Gaetz’s personal and legal issues aside, I have more respect for how he has shamelessly conducted himself in politics than the extremely self-serious types voting for Trump and thinking they’re not getting Matt Gaetz.

You are all Matt Gaetz. You are all Pete Hegseth. You are all Donald Trump. This is not an anomaly. This is very specifically what you asked for. Stop complaining about how unfair the world is for straight white men for one moment in your miniscule grievance-based life and actually look at what you all have done in service to your unfathomably fragile egos. Trumpism is Republicanism is Trumpism. There is no difference, and if you don’t get that at this point, you are genuinely dumber than Matt Gaetz.