If This Unnamed Political Newcomer Wants to Make It in Washington, She’s Gonna Have to Follow All Our Fucking Terrible Advice 

Congratulations, Political Newcomer! That was some thrilling upset victory you pulled out over Joe last night! You beat a good man. The BEST man. We’re gonna miss Joe around here. He really understood what we Democrats in Congress are all about. Such an enormous loss for us. We think you could learn a lot from how Joe lost last night, kiddo. He was pure class to the very end.

[clears out Joe Crowley shrine right in front of you]

In fact, that’s hardly the only thing you need to learn. We’re sure you have some big dreams, Unnamed Political Newcomer. Thinking of… [open snickering]… changing Washington, are you? My dear, sit down. The fact is, you don’t change this town, it changes you. We were once like you, fresh-faced and eager to SHAKE UP the establishment. But that simply isn’t how things work here, and thank goodness for that! It’s vital someone gives you a hefty dose in reality in advance. If Joe were still here, he’d be PERFECT for the job. But he isn’t. Poor Joe. He was a true icon. A lion.

Anyway, here’s what you need to know if you want to survive here for very long. We know you’re all young and excited right now, but what’s crucial is that we DEADEN that excitement, and get right to the real work!

1. All of your good ideas? The popular ones you ran on? They’re not realistic. Medicare for all? A basic living wage for all? Abolishing ICE? LOL COME ON NOW WE HAVE TO BE HONEST WITH OURSELVES HERE. Maybe that flies in your super blue district, but we have to remember that All Voters Matter, okay?
2. Instead of doing what’s right, do what we consider to be politically shrewd instead. Look how politically shrewd it’s been for us to be politically shrewd thus far!
3. The most important thing you can do now is raise money. Get used to this phone room because you will be locked in here for six hours a day when the House is in session. Here’s a list of 5,000 target donors who will give to your 2020 campaign so long as you support a bill allowing them to legally harvest live baby plasma.
4. You should cater only to the worst voters, because those are the most important voters. If we give Lake County resident Bum Cuntflap a tax credit for buying new F-150, we might just have a chance at flipping the Senate in 2094. Let’s not do anything to upset Bum between now and then.
5. We know you don’t like Republicans now, but just wait until you taste Paul Ryan’s homemade Chex Mix! His weekly pinochle game is a delight. Great guy, too. He really DOES care about his family.
6. Be sure to back our support for ALL of Trump’s future nominees. We don’t wanna start any dustups here. And we could do worse than some of his choices, honestly. One time he almost nominated a full can of Pepsi for Undersecretary of State!
7. It’s important that you make the safest possible political choices. That way, no one fears you!
8. We wish we could do something about gun control, but our hands are tied. Such a shame. But you know where we can make some REAL inroads…
9. WAR. Approve money for war! War’s great! You don’t like war? Do you not support the troops? Bum Cuntflap isn’t gonna like that, not one bit. How could you not support the troops? THANK YOU TROOPS FOR ALL YOU DO. Now shut up and rubber stamp this $800 billion order for planes that don’t work from Lockheed.
10. Memes! Do you like memes? You’re a young girl. You’re good with that phone. How about you cook up some winning memes for us? OH! OH! What if we made a t-shirt with Mick Mulvaney’s face on it, and it said BIG MICK ENERGY: A BIG DANGER TO MIDDLE CLASS FAMILIES. How about that? That’s a winner. Wait, here’s another one: The guy and the two girls on the street, and his girlfriend is HIGH GAS PRICES UNDER PRESIDENT TRUMP and the hot girl he’s looking at instead is LOWER PRICES AT THE PUMP FOR MIDDLE CLASS FAMILIES. That’s something, right?
11. We know you have your constituents back home in Staten Island… What’d you say? Queens? Whatever. It doesn’t matter. What matters now for you are WHITE WORKING CLASS families. Those are our bread and butter. [holds up a giant cardboard cutout of a Shutterstock photo] This is Betsy. She lives in Westchester with her husband and two kids, Racen and Bracen. She makes an okay living as an insurance executive, but she’s always afraid it’s never enough. She’s a proud, lifelong Democrat, except that she voted for George W. Bush and Trump. And Reagan. And also Romney and McCain. Clinton got her in ‘92 though and we’re gonna win her back! The main thing about her is she fears crime. Always think about Betsy before you do or say anything!
12. When they go low, we go high! When they kidnap babies and lie about it, we don’t protest them! Instead of sit-ins, why not sit out?
13. Girl, the name of the game here in Congress is COMPROMISE. We can’t afford to be the hardliners here. We can’t afford to be extremists. Americans don’t like that sort of division and rancor coming from Washington. And really, do you want to stoop down to the Republicans’ level? Of course not. That’s why we need to work WITH Mitch McConnell… [eyes flare like Saruman]… We must join him. It is the only way. You shall be civil. You shall be kind. You shall know your place in the order of things, lest you PERISH.
14. Happy hour at Susan Collins’s apartment every Wednesday!

Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi are true shitheads.