It’s Only a Matter of Time Before Trump Shits Himself

Frankly, I’m shocked it hasn’t happened already. We have a president who regularly shows signs of mental decline: He regularly forgets people’s names and places. He makes up words. This much is clear—there will quite likely come a time when our president shits himself, probably on TV, for all to see.

The chances of this feel especially elevated should Trump win a second term in office. I’d bet money it happens while on stage at a MAGA rally, where he’s been known to babble on nonsensically for hours even while his fans faint in the heat, although if there’s any (comedic) justice, it’ll happen during a meeting with a foreign dignitary all over those nice, creamy-gold chairs.

Consider these indisputable facts:

FACT: Trump is 72 years old. That’s getting up there, given that the life expectancy in this country is around 79. (It’s a sunny 89 for the richest American men, perhaps a boon to Trump. But given his love for fast food, I’m inclined to say these forces cancel each other out.)

FACT: Incontinence is more common among adults over the age of 65. According to the Mayo Clinic, late-stage Alzheimer’s disease and dementia are risk factors for an inability to control one’s bowel movements. Interpret that how you will! I’m no doctor!

FACT: Trump’s brain is not good. This is apparent every time he talks. He is spending a small fortune wishing himself a happy birthday on Facebook, the social networking site of choice for old people. He has bemoaned the“bird cemetery” he believes is created by windmills, he’s trotting out staffers to testify to his levels of “calm,” he manically tweets about everything from motorcycles to his cable news enemies over the course of a single morning. The man is not fully there.

CONCLUSION: Trump’s gonna shit himself. Perhaps he already has, and his staffers have covered up yet another presidential scandal in the making. But mark my words: It’ll happen.