Joe Biden Thinks He Has Nothing to Answer For

Joe Biden will never learn.

The former vice president and potential 2020 candidate was completing the Montana leg of his book tour last night when the moderator for the night’s speech, Christian author Bruce Feiler, offered a fair and honest assessment of all the reasons Biden should stay on the sidelines come the 2020 election.

“He’s too old,” Feiler began, per CNN. “He signed, he cosponsored the crime bill. He was the chairman of the judiciary committee during the Anita Hill hearings, and he’s out of touch in the era of Me Too. $1.5 million ain’t gonna cut it anymore, you need $100 million. Who wants to wake up at 6 a.m. for the next two years and get insults from the President of the United States?…You’re a gaffe machine. I could go on. Which of these scares you the most?”

Objectively, this is a reasonable, albeit abbreviated, list of complaints against Biden’s dedication to serving the center, even if it is coming from someone who was no doubt chosen to moderate the event because he’d frame questions like these in a way that would provide Biden the opportunity to flex his political chops, recant his sins, and pave the road to another bid for president.

Biden, being the reasonable, introspective man he is, acknowledged the validity of the critiques and proceeded to go through them one-by-one, offering sentiments of regret and personal growth, asking those he harmed to forgive him for his past missteps and pledging to take a new, progressive approach should he run for president.

Wait, sorry, that must’ve been from the Earth-2 report. This is what Biden actually said:

None of them. I am a gaffe machine, but my God what a wonderful thing compared to a guy who can’t tell the truth. I’m ready to litigate all those things, the question is what kind of nation are we becoming? What are we going to do? Who are we?

Oh my God, we are so very fucked.