Let Me Golf with Joe Biden and Donald Trump, I Will Destroy Them

I don’t care what they said last night at CNN’s fake news presidential debate, both these jerks couldn’t hang with me. I just shot a 39 on the back nine of my last round, and I have the kind of terminal golf brain now that makes you feel invincible right up until you shank your next shot into the woods. So before I do that again this weekend, I have to get this out of my system.

I know a lot of people groaned at this argument making it into the debate last night, and I was one of them since arguing about sports in something supposedly important as a presidential debate is beyond trivial. Not to mention that golf and habitable cities are a bit like oil and water, largely due to the immense water and land that golf courses command in cities currently experiencing a massive housing crisis while the western United States battles an historic drought.

My tenuous golf position while trying to adhere to my lefty ideals is that I love playing the sport and courses are valuable sources of consistent revenue for municipalities, but we should get rid of all private golf courses in a 50-mile radius of any city and turn them into affordable housing. Every Trump course should be razed to the ground and turned into public housing while he’s forced to watch.

Public or private, executive or municipal or even mini, I can take either of these clowns on any golf course. If they want to drag the entire world to hell blabbering about their entirely made-up handicaps on national TV, then they must suffer the consequences of having to prove it while getting torched by some random blogger who can sometimes catch fire for a few holes at a time on the weekend.

Trump is no match for my mid-tier handicapper mastery. He claims to have a 2.8 handicap, which might be the biggest lie he’s ever told. Look at this shit.

That’s what I do! I’m not a 2.8, more like a 12.8. Trump’s swing pulls to the left which is also my personal affliction, and I am here to tell you that it is not possible to hit enough greens doing that to get near scratch golfer status like he claims. Feed me Trump. There is no way he is disciplined and steady enough to have a good short game. I will have him begging for mercy by the 14th hole.

And Biden? Please. The most I’ve ever agreed with Trump in my life was last night when he said Biden’s proclamation to be a 6 handicap is “the biggest lie.”

Trump cited seeing Biden’s swing for his assertion, but I have yet to witness it, as finding videos of it on the internet is near impossible. There’s a whole dadgum Golf.com breakdown of how Trump’s swing does back up his boasts of being a big hitter, but all I can find is one video of Biden sinking a long putt playing with President Barack Obama and Speaker John Boehner, and a greenside chip he hit into some rocks in 2021 that the Daily Caller dipshits got their hands on. Even searching Getty Images for “Joe Biden golf” returns just three pages of results and the only picture of him golfing yet again is Biden on the green.

Has anyone ever seen Joe Biden hit an approach shot? Does he just walk up to within 30 yards and plop the ball down and start playing the hole from there? Where is the president’s full golf swing? This is supposedly him with a short, herky-jerky old man swing that definitely is no match for my pristine routine, but in this era ruined by A.I., I need a lot more to confirm it is what seems to be a pretty cagey president about his golf game. Suspicious!

He was reportedly a 10 handicap back when he was a Senator, and Biden has a nice quiet putting stroke that looks like it could support a short game to get him down below decent weekend hacker status, but after last night I cannot help but agree with Trump again in believing that Joe Biden could not hit it more than 50 yards right now. Tie one arm behind my back and take every club out of my bag except for one wedge and I would still beat the president by ten strokes—on the front nine.

Someone please make this trio happen. I’m not sure who to ask but I am putting this out into the universe hoping it gets to the right place. Is it the PGA Tour? TNT? Poor Rory McIlroy? Mohammed bin Salman? The Illuminati? Someone, anyone, please book this in the name of entertainment and humiliation of two guys who really deserve it. I will crush these bozos.