Manhattan Sucks–Go Back to Manhattan If You Love It So Much–Nobody Cares

We take it as a given that the New York Times Real Estate section is the most hilariously blatant example of blinkered classism this side of the Victorian era. Obviously. Sometimes, though, they really outdo even themselves.

You have to have a really high bar for blogging about the NYT Real Estate or Style sections. There’s too much there. You can’t just bite every time they drop some story with a premise that implies that NYC is solely populated by rich white people. That’s standard stuff. You have to wait until they also toss in an extra ingredient. You have to close your eyes, imagine yourself at the most unbearable New York party you could ever conceive, trapped in a corner and forced to chat with someone there you don’t like, and then ask yourself, “What is the most grating possible conversation that this imaginary person could subject me to?” Like… something about… people who grew up in Manhattan marveling aloud, in the year 2017, in a major media outlet, that New York City exists outside of Manhattan.

In a way, stretching outside Manhattan made the city seem smaller to me, more intimate and unique. In Rockaway Park, I found what is arguably the best Uzbek restaurant in the city and learned that bedroom communities offer a more diverse portrait of New York; and in Williamsburg, I found that not everything had to do with hipsters or what’s trending next.

Oh god.

Growing up, Ben Berkon, 30, had all the trappings of a wistful Manhattan childhood: Zabar’s, H & H Bagels and Eeyore’s Books. Mr. Berkon, a writer and voice actor, recently moved to Park Slope, Brooklyn, a place his younger self would have never imagined could be considered home…

“What’s funny is, I definitely lost that edge a bit now that I live in Brooklyn,” he said. “My friends, especially those I didn’t grow up with, think I’m a hipster.” But, he argues, that would be impossible, since he grew up in Manhattan.

We do not think you’re a hipster. Nobody says that any more. STOP saying that.

Michael Grosinger, 27, moved to Williamsburg after spending his formative years in Manhattan…. “I am in a brand-new building with all new amenities,” he said. His disappointment at being priced out of Manhattan is tempered by his appreciation for his new neighborhood. “I always enjoyed spending time in Williamsburg and I think it’s got a great night-life scene, one that rivals the city, and an even better music scene.”

Williamsburg sucks because it’s FULL OF MANHATTAN PEOPLE. ENJOY.

For Phoebe Lapine, 31, leaving for Brooklyn was an obvious choice when she and her boyfriend decided to move in together. She gave up her 400-square-foot loft in Chelsea, and they recently moved into a two-bedroom in Vinegar Hill with floor-to-ceiling windows, an elevator and a lobby…

Which is not to say that Ms. Lapine thinks Brooklyn is a world removed from her Manhattan childhood. “Today, Brooklyn, depending on the neighborhood, is just a shade different than the Upper West Side,” she said. “We all have the same strollers and cockapoos.”

Yes—in Vinegar Hill, a tiny enclave of wealthy former Manhattanites, located next to a power station, with the constant smell of garbage. Enjoy.

For some lifetime Manhattanites, moving to a new neighborhood for the lower prices can come with the uncomfortable knowledge that they are part of a wave of gentrification. Raphael Nunberg, 31, a software project manager born on the Upper East Side, grapples with the label of gentrifier now that he has moved to Long Island City, Queens.

L.I.C. IS ALREADY NOTHING BUT WAREHOUSES AND HIGH RISE CONDO DEVELOPMENTS FOR FORMER MANHATTANITES. EVEN YOUR GENTRIFIER GUILT IS MISPLACED. GO BACK TO CENTRAL PARK AND RIDE SOME MOTHERFUCKING HORSE CARRIAGES AND TALK TO EACH OTHER ABOUT IT WHY DON’T YOU. THE OTHER SEVEN MILLION OF US WANT TO GET AWAY FROM YOU.

You all still live in Manhattan you just don’t know it.