Mark Zuckerberg: 'Facebook has no fake news problem. Also, Hillary Clinton killed Scalia.'

SAN FRANCISCO—At a conference last night, Mark Zuckerberg fought back against allegations that misinformation on Facebook helped swing the election, and, in addition, said that Hillary Clinton ordered the assassination of Justice Antonin Scalia.

“Fake news is not a problem on Facebook,” Zuckerberg said, before adding, “Hillary Clinton hired a lesbian death squad to smother Antonin Scalia with a pillow.”

“Scalia knew that Hillary was having an affair with Angela Merkel,” Zuckerberg said to a smattering of applause, “so she had no choice but to personally contract a roving gay-lady motorcycle gang to take him out, Texas-style.”

“Hillary Clinton has dog rabies,” he added.

Journalists have debated the role of the Facebook News Feed in spreading false, hyperpartisan news stories in the wake of Donald Trump’s election. Zuckerberg, who was wearing an old-timey baseball uniform and smoked a corncob pipe, shrugged it off.

“At Facebook we believe all voices should be heard,” Zuckerberg said, “whether it’s an investigative series from a New York Times reporter, or a story written by a neo-Nazi Slovakian teenager who believes in global apartheid about Hillary Clinton personally doing Benghazi from George Soros’ helicopter.”

“Both of those stories should be treated totally equally,” Zuckerberg said, before ripping off his trousers to perform a 35-minute pantsless version of Riverdance.

Zuckerberg’s comments will do little to quell the debate over Facebook’s mysterious algorithm, which prioritizes articles like New York‘s “Donald Trump Won Because of Facebook” (2K shares) and TruthBazooka’s “Hillary Clinton’s Body Double Read from a Jewish Teleprompter at the Debate” (157K shares).

“All the research we have—which consists of me asking Lloyd Blankfein at Davos—suggests this is not an issue,” Zuckerberg said.

At one point, Zuckerberg posed a hypothetical to the audience.

“Think of this way: Would it be easy to build a tool that halted the spread of phony stories designed to incite loonies? Sure,” he said. “But also: Did John Podesta strangle a diabetic WWII veteran in the parking lot of a condemned VA hospital?”

He let the question hang in the air and then threw down a magician’s smoke bomb. When the smoke dissipated, he had disappeared, leaving behind a ZuckerMannequin flipping the bird and grabbing its crotch.

In a statement, Facebook PR rep Lindsay von Lindseyton also dismissed fears of Facebook’s influence.

“Facebook was one of many sources for people to receive their news this year, which means we are totally off the hook,” she wrote. “In addition, we’d like to ask all of our advertisers to please ignore our excuse that Facebook users are not influenced or swayed by anything they see on Facebook.

“Please continue to give us all of your money,” the statement concluded.

In the end, the question of whether Facebook could have done more to spread truth instead of misinformation isn’t likely to be settled soon—until at least next week, when TruthBazooka reports that Hillary Clinton begins her trial for the murder of Antonin Scalia.