Meat Watch: Meaty Petey the Toothsome Astronaut

By Hamilton Nolan | October 7, 2019 | 8:17pm

The Discourse

Meats are out there. That much we know. But where?

Space meat is here. Go ahead… try it. I bet it’s good. Eat it. Do it…
The next time some scientist tells you “Eating more meat is good, actually,” be sure to ask him: Who’s paying you? Who’s gotten to you? What do they have on you? What’s your Social Security number, credit card number, and date of birth? What’s your home address, security alarm deactivation code, and the combination to your safe? I’m a leprechaun and I need my pot of gold, baby. Are we talking regular meat, or space meat?
There are lots of fake meat companies today, but the CEO of Impossible Foods says that they all “suck,” except for his company. Here’s an interesting thought experiment: put blindfolds on the CEOs of each and every fake meat company, and have them “taste test” the fake meats made by each of their companies. Have them write down detailed descriptions of the flavor of each, and rate each one on a ten-point scale for taste, aroma, and mouthfeel. Then, bring them all into a room and reveal the surprising results. Finally, a giant rutabaga comes in and kills them.
Ever wondered what dinosaur meat tasted like? Well, you can pretty much find out by eating the meat of a bird of prey, such as a hawk or eagle. Did you do it? Those birds were endangered, you sick fuck.
Meat markets—much like you—are volatile. And you—much like meat markets—are made up of a seething pit of middle-aged men screaming about “pork bellies.”
Some people think there are only two options: meat, or meatless. To be frank these people need to get a clue—like yesterday. Because here we have a story about a butcher in Toronto who says he has a third option: “doing a retail operation with a meat focus made it possible for us to reduce waste by using whole animals sourced from local mixed farms that raise grass-fed, pastured animals.” Okay. That would still be meat though. I didn’t read the story before I started writing this.
McDonald’s is testing a veggie burger in Canada. Whoa—this isn’t your father’s McDonald’s! In fact, his much-touted “ownership stake” in the company was nothing more than a losing McDonald’s Monopoly game piece. His entire life was a lie.
Yes, there are competitive meat-judging teams. Perhaps instead of scoffing at the idea, you should have joined one of these teams, rather than joining the volleyball team, and later pooping your pants during a jump serve.
Tired of learning about meat. That’s unfortunate—we were just about to clue you in to something extremely provocative that Jonathan Safran Foer said about meat. Got your attention now? Very well. He said, “Meh meh meh, I’m a little meat boy, meaty meaty piggy pie, call me mister sausage, little tiny ham child, fat turkey face, foldy moldy cold cut kid, meh meh meh, feed me meaty goodness sir, yum yum yum.” Now you know.