Milk Watch: We Must Harness the Growing Interest In Milk

By Hamilton Nolan | August 2, 2019 | 6:55pm

The Discourse

Milk: creamy dream, or homogenized disaster? Fortunately we have a platform from which to explore this topic, for you and you alone.

Scientists all over the place are trying to produce synthetic milk. Synthetic milk? Don’t think so. Milk isn’t just about casein and whey protein molecules that can be created in any old lab; milk is about a cow—a cow named Bessie, who I’ve grown up with, and who I treasure, and pat on the nose, and who I consider a part of my family. And more specifically milk is about what comes out of Bessie’s pee hole.
Now some guy named “Richards” is making milk out of bananas. “In essence, Richards is bringing bananas to a dairy aisle knife fight.” Is he? That’s not how I would characterize it at all. I’d characterize Richards as a mooshy gooshy blooshy banana baby.
A milkless morning casts a creamless pall upon Vadodara, India: “Baroda Dairy also used tractors to supply milk pouches to its parlours, but that did not seem sufficient as by evening all parlours had ran out of milk.” Pardon me, padre, but what use is a public pouch parlour without a proper portion of pasteurized parlour pouches? Simply absurd.
Some of you might like oat milk, because you are pathetic trend-followers. But how would you feel if you found out that all the oat milk is coming from New Jersey? Yes, disgusted.
UNDERCOVER INVESTIGATION: an UNDERCOVER INVESTIGATION, perhaps by a cow, has proven that organic milk and regular milk are both the same thing (milk). Damn!
Do you drink milk? Yeah, you drink some plain ass milk that any idiot can buy, you drive a Nissan Sentra, you live in a suburb, you work as an office manager, you have two kids and you go to the movies once a month and life is just passing you by. Your unremarkable life will ultimately be forgotten. Meanwhile, members of the fitness community are drinking Ultra Filtered Milk that has twice the protein, they drive a Zamboni to work, they live in submarines, and they’re fucking your wife. Go cry about it, why don’t you—your tears are low in protein.
At the Wisconsin State Fair, you can taste several different flavors of milk. [REGGAE AIR HORN]!
Disney’s new Star Wars theme park is offering alcoholic blue milk for $14 a serving. What grinds my gears is, now you have kids, not knowing any better, thinking that “alcoholic milk” is something that you get from a soulless corporation at a high price. That’s not it at all. Alcoholic milk is what you got from your mom when you were breastfeeding.
Just when you think you’ve seen it all, 48,000 people sign a petition asking Starbucks to stop charging extra for vegan milk. Hey folks, is this really the biggest issue out there? What if I took those 48,000 people, glued them all body-to-body with extraordinarily powerful Super Glue, grabbed the whole stack of em with a construction crane, and swung them over the mouth of an active volcano? Maybe that would give them a little perspective on what’s “really important,” you think? Because you look down inside that volcano and there we have placed charts showing America’s growing deficit.