NBA Teams Ranked By Which Mascot Would Destroy All the Others

The 2024-2025 NBA season is less than a week away. That means it is time to rank the teams based on which mascots — the team names themselves, not the people running around the court in a costume which often has nothing to do with the team name — would win in a battle royale. From strongest and most likely to win down to weakest and least likely:

1. Heat — the actual energy left over from the Big Bang, which will eventually dissipate down toward absolute zero as the universe dies. Not sure how anything else could compete.

2. Suns

3. Wizards — If we accept they might exist then the sky’s the limit

4. Rockets

5. Raptors

6. Warriors

7. Grizzlies

8. Cavaliers

9. Clippers — I recognize this is just a boat. But you wouldn’t want one to hit you.

10. Pacers — I think this refers to a pace car? If so, see above.

11. Trailblazers

12. 76ers

13. Mavericks

14. Bulls — These are pretty tough animals, but humans made an entire grotesque sport out of killing them, so.

15. Timberwolves

16. Bucks

17. Pelicans — Much more fierce than you think.

18. Celtics

19. Lakers — I don’t know what a Laker is, regardless of the Minnesota origins of this team. Seems like it could handle a hawk though?

20. Hawks

21. Magic — Magic is both not real and something that requires wielding by someone to work, but let’s put it here just in case.

22. Kings — While kings wield the might of armies, they themselves tend to be soft little babies who couldn’t win a fight against a house cat.

23. Pistons

24. Nuggets — I guess you could throw these pretty hard at someone.

25. Spurs

26. Hornets — Anaphylaxis.

27. Knicks — These are named after pants. Pants.

28. Nets

29. Thunder — While lightning is a powerful force, the sound it makes cannot do much damage.

30. Jazz — Generally quieter than thunder.