NSA, Star Wars and Celebrity Procreation on GMT

A lot happened in 2013, none of which I can really remember now. Oh, wait, just kidding:

People Freaked Out Over the NSA

Because, like, are we giving them ENOUGH information about our personal lives? Luckily, one accommodating NSA official gave us some helpful tips on how to make sure the agency is getting the most out of all our dumb phone calls and emails about which boy likes or may murder whom.

Everyone Was All Like “Ahh!” About the New Star Wars Movie

When news came out that Juno scribe Diablo Cody was tapped to write the latest Star Wars movie in articles that used words like “scribe” and “tapped,” everyone was like, basically, “ahh!” Was it a good “ahh”? A bad “ahh”? Who knows! Either way, Cody appeared on Good Morning America to assuage people’s fears about the new film, confirming that it’d give audiences exactly what they wanted: Feelings, hoodies, Aubrey Plaza as R2She2, and a soundtrack consisting mostly of ukuleles.

Celebrities Certainly Did Things

Gossip guru Tevon Hadley broke down all the top celebrity news headlines of 2013 into one easily digestible glass of greenish sludge made with kale and beet juice and maybe a little bit of vodka, who knows, I won’t tell if you don’t. People procreated to produce oddly-named children, people broke up because they’re just 2hot2handle, people lost a crazy amount of weight and probably developed unfortunate, saggy arms as a result. People probably even secretly murdered a whole bunch of small animals and kept their corpses hidden in various bidets across their mansions. Or maybe that’s a lie. You’ll have to watch Tevon’s report to find out!