Paul Ryan Terrified Republicans Might Actually Have a Tiny Heart For DACA

Paul Ryan, a man whose spine is made out of little rolled up pages from Atlas Shrugged, has continuously dodged addressing the issue of DACA reauthorization. But now, he and other GOP leaders are facing a potential rebellion from moderate members of their party who are pushing for a “discharge petition.” The petition would force a vote on a series of immigration bills, and Ryan is scrambling to squash even the faintest signs of a Republican heart.

On Wednesday morning, Ryan and other GOP leaders held a closed-door meeting with House Republicans to try to convince them to just freaking cut it out already!! A GOP source in the meeting relayed to Politico that House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy told members to “put your phones down” and listen, warning against endangering the party’s majority in the upcoming midterm elections.

Twenty Republicans, many of whom represent swing districts, have signed the petition to force a vote, despite opposition from party leaders. According to the Washington Post, if all 193 Democrats sign on, the petition would still need five more Republicans to join.

As Vox’s Dara Lind explains, the discharge petition would bring the following four bills to a vote and only the one with the biggest vote margin would pass:

The Goodlatte bill (temporary status for DACA recipients plus stepped-up enforcement and legal immigration restrictions)

The DREAM Act (a path to citizenship for DACA recipients and other DREAMers, with no enforcement trade-offs)

The USA Act sponsored by Hurd and Rep. Pete Aguilar (D-CA) (quicker legalization for DREAMers with limits on sponsorship of parents once they become citizens, with some border provisions but no money for a wall)

A fourth bill, up to Paul Ryan to decide

Paul Ryan to these bills, including one that is entirely up to Paul Ryan to decide: Please, No!!!!!!!!!!!!