Paul Ryan's Farewell Movie Sucks Ass

House Speaker Paul Ryan, a man who brings shame to an honorable and good first name, is thankfully in the final days of a 20-year career in Congress. So his office did what any normal one would do, and on Tuesday, dropped a much-hyped six-part documentary on Twitter honoring Ryan’s legacy (of shit).

He would like you to believe this legacy is something called “tax reform.” To me, it’s more like “pure cowardice peppered with moments of success in making life harder for the poor and disenfranchised.” In other words: heroic.

The first video, called “The Idea,” begins with a bunch of clips from the business channels about how great the tax cuts are for the economy, backed by a soundtrack that screams “Verizon commercial.” (Great timing, too, considering the stock market is in a free-fall right now, despite Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin’s prior insistence that only the tax cuts could prevent such a free-fall.)

Then, in the middle of the video, we cut back 20 years to a boy and his dream. Paul Ryan is the boy; the dream, apparently, was to restructure the U.S. tax code in such a way that it screws over anyone who isn’t ultra-wealthy or a corporation. It features an interview with his older brother Tobin, who calls him the “paycheck protection candidate,” and with former Speaker John Boehner, who said that rewriting the tax code means you “step on a lot of toes,” as if anti-tax crusaders in the GOP are some kind of underdog. It’s like the Miracle on Ice, but for assholes.

Then comes the big moment of adversity for our hero—the Republicans not having a majority for a couple of years.

Then there’s the “groundwork,” which features Rep. Kevin Brady sitting in a chair and pointing at where he and Ryan sat during Ways and Means Committee hearings. Very cool!

Then we get a whole episode about how sad Ryan was to be leaving the Ways and Means Committee in order to become the Speaker of the House, which is a tale about Ryan we’ve heard since he took the job and gets no more believable no matter how much he tells it.

Then there’s this one, which essentially frames the House GOP’s attempt to take healthcare from millions of people and its failure in the Senate as a minor setback on the road to glory. Seriously. It also has a closeup on the hands of Ryan’s chief of staff for a few uncomfortable seconds:

The last episode is about the actual passage of the tax scam, Ryan’s perseverance in lasting a few decades in Congress to see his full-scale attack on the poor in the service of powerful interests through, and all of his friends saying nice things about him.

“A kid from Janesville, Wisconsin? I never thought I’d work on Capitol Hill, let alone be a member of Congress,” Ryan says, looking like he’s about to burst into tears. Who could ever imagine that a dopey looking white kid from a rich family could ever make it to Congress???

One of the best things to happen to Congress is that next year, Paul Ryan will no longer be in it. Sadly, I’m not even remotely convinced that this is truly the final time we’ll ever hear from this sanctimonious blowhard as an elected official, but one thing’s for sure: We could all use a break from him.

Oh, another thing is for sure: This short documentary about one of the worst guys and the worst thing he did is complete ass. I might’ve enjoyed it more if it had instead been a documentary about all the times Paul Ryan has ever been negged into submission by Donald Trump, but Ken Burns apparently wasn’t available.

0/10, F, doesn’t even slap, rotten tomato, wouldn’t watch again. Fuck off forever, Paul, thank you.