People Should Stop Yelling at Me, a Brilliant Democratic Consultant, for the Democratic Party’s Losses

Many of us are obviously dismayed over the second election of Donald Trump as president, and there are many roots of the Democratic Party’s inability to combat fascism on election night. There were obvious failures by the left, the media, and even some in the Democratic Party that all led to Trump’s victory, but what’s important to note is that not a single one of those missteps was made by me, your humble and brilliant Democratic consultant. We are quite obviously, flawless beings trying to tell you idiots how to win elections, and the party is failed time and time again by everyone, including our own families, except for us. We have never made a mistake in our lives.

Just because you keep seeing my name and hearing my voice saying the same exact things every two to four years on the same cable networks does not mean my thoughts are useless or out of touch or constructed entirely by ExxonMobil’s lobbyists. I am, by din of being born a humble Democratic consultant, empirically perfect and my opinions are manifestly correct.

You are the fools here. Blithering idiots. Pea-brained scoundrels. You really think that speaking to the real pain and specific complaints of the American public is how to win elections? Please, I cannot believe I am even entertaining this trivial kind of thinking from people clearly out of touch with what America wants, which is to prove that all my opinions are true and perfect.

Every big brained genius like me and my friends know the real secret to winning elections is always letting the right-wing define what the center is—then tacking towards it on their terms—all while condescendingly lecturing Americans about what stupid little babies they all are who fail to appreciate the unique genius of myself and my colleagues.

It’s especially effective when you tell them that their bank accounts are lying to them and the important thing is that the wage line make boing! Just don’t pay attention to the numbers on the side of all these wage charts we point to as proof that our donor’s conservative policies Democratic policy is working.

Mark Cuban worked, damnit. People love Shark Tank! Our data showed that Panera customers in the Midwest between the ages of 50 and 57 and three-quarters who spend five percent of their monthly disposable income on Panera’s cocaine lemonade moved from “meh” Dem voter to “maybe” Dem voter every time they saw him talk about how rich he is!

Latinos, after being a key part of our 2020 victory, abandoned the party for reasons that have nothing to do with us or anything that happened while we were in power. Latinos are just white supremacists now and in 2028, I fully expect them to be responsive to this well-honed message we are creating at the DNC that the people we assumed would vote for us forever are actually unrepentant racists, and us, the army of the most mediocre white dudes you’ve ever met in your life, are what real diversity and inclusion looks like.

All this post-election finger-pointing is unproductive to the party but especially to me, the totally unbiased consultant who would very much like to keep my cushy and well-paid job as Donald Trump’s batting practice pitcher. Please stop trying to find fault within the Democratic Party for the election loss. You should know by now that when we lose, it’s your fault, and when we win, it’s because us altruistic demigods at the DNC saved you doofuses from yourselves. I can’t believe that people think we’re out of touch elitists!