Please God No

For proof positive that the American political system is fucked beyond repair, look no further a new report suggesting that former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg is revving up for a presidential run against Donald Trump in the 2020 election. Oh god. Oh please god no.

According to CBS New York, Bloomberg is considering joining the race in part spurred by his remorse over not having run in 2016. (Or 2012. Or 2008.) To this I say: Sweet Jesus, the country does not need you Mike!!

Bloomberg, an elderly, ultra-wealthy New Yorker, has long teased running as an independent for the White House, which should sound depressingly familiar. He’s also increasingly become a major financial force in politics, having just pledged a whopping $80 million to flip the House of Representatives to the Democrats. According to CBS, he would run in 2020 as a Democrat. Because who better to lead the increasingly left wing and restive Democratic base to the polling stations than a septuagenarian tycoon running a vanity campaign fueled by regret? It’s not like there’s precedent for what happens when a billionaire is allowed to run amok in the West Wing, after all.

The truth is, Bloomberg does have plenty going for him when faced in a head to head matchup with the president, because he’s not Donald Trump. On the other hand, he still fucking sucks, and aughsdgdfgds are we really going to do this again??!? I beg of you, giant planet-killing asteroid, hurry up.