Please Stop Trending: Craziest Guy On Instagram, Christmas Pants and Edible Business Cards

You know that girl who keeps showing up to your house uninvited? Well, today’s trending stories are sort of like that girl who just can’t take a hint and stop popping up everywhere. Seriously… you can’t sit with us.

First on the list is Dan Bilzerian’s luxurious lifestyle. The self-proclaimed “actor/astronaut/asshole” has a net worth of $100 million from playing poker tournaments. And although his life via Instagram looks like every adolescent boy’s fantasy (he’s been called the real life most interesting man in the world), the guy has survived TWO heart attacks and a pulmonary embolism just in the last few years.

But what we really have issue with is that after his latest visit to the hospital he was told to stay there and rest because his body wouldn’t last long out of care. What did Bilzerian decide to do instead? Leave the hospital against doctor’s orders and have lots of gambling and sex sessions… not particularly in that order. How do we know this? Because he tweeted about it!

The guy has some redeemable qualities, and he definitely plays up his social media persona, but his crazy lifestyle is real and totally unsafe. So we ask that he please stop trending before he sends the wrong message to adrenaline-junkie teenagers.

Next on the list are Panta Claus. They are called the “ultimate pants for Christmas.” But when I asked men around the office if they’d wear them, they all laughed in my face. So my question is — at what, and whose, Christmas celebration would these be the “ultimate pants?” Until I hear from someone I think these tacky trousers should stop teasing me with faux Christmas spirit.

And lastly, are beef jerky business cards. I have some questions about beef jerky business cards too… like what happens if the person you give them to is hungry and eats the card before writing down your information? Or what if they hate jerky and throw it out before remembering your absurdly etched phone number on a cured piece of meat? There are too many questions to keep this one trending.

Romina Puga is a pop culture reporter and producer for Fusion. You can find her on “Fusion Now,” Fusion’s daily TV updates, going over new movies, music, apps, and why D’Angelo is still sexy.