Rich People Magazine Gives Eric Trump the Nauseatingly Glowing Profile He Doesn't Deserve

Eric Trump—the goonish, oft-overlooked Trump spawn who once grinned for the camera while holding up a leopard’s lifeless body—can now enjoy his moment in the sun, thanks to a magazine for rich people.

On Wednesday, Westchester Magazine published a glowing profile of Eric and Lara Trump. For your reading (dis)pleasure, here are a few of the most nauseating excerpts (emphasis added throughout):

They were married in 2014, following a 10-year courtship, yet the couple still act like newlyweds. They frequently hold hands during the interview, especially after one compliments the other, which happened often, sprinkled in-between good-natured volleys of gentle ribbing. Saccharine? Perhaps, but there wasn’t a hint of contrivance.

God.

Eric says that overall, the people of Westchester have been very supportive of his family, with he and his spouse the frequent targets of impromptu selfies with locals.

Dear God.

Eric, meanwhile, is quick to say that “there would be far fewer headaches if it weren’t for politics,” but it’s all worth it “when you know you’re in it for the right reasons,” he adds, adopting a more measured conversational tone. “My father’s life became exponentially worse the minute he decided to run for president. He didn’t need to do this, but he was immensely frustrated with where the country was going.”

Please make it stop.

From the glass-half-full department, Eric adds that any upheaval that resulted from his father’s election came, for him, at a “perfect turning point.” His secure private life provides a stable base, allowing him to focus both on his job with The Trump Organization and being with his nuclear family. When Eric says, “Family is what matters to me,” one can easily detect the sincerity.

Seriously, stop.

“She came home one day to find me doing some electrical work in my closet, which needed more light… and she was looking at me like I was going to kill myself,” Eric says, laughing, “and suggested I call an electrician.” He gently reminded her: “This is what I do. I am a builder.” These days, Lara is totally onboard with her handyman husband. “Eric can fix anything,” she says. “He’s much handier than anyone I’ve ever dated!”

Goodbye.

Lara describes their house as “comfortable,” adding that they don’t like anything that’s “too ornate and fancy.”

No. I reject this.

The two kept a home on that property for nearly five years before relocating to their current residence, closer to the Trump National Golf Club in Briarcliff Manor. Eric makes time for golf as recreation but also to keep a keen eye on Trump National. Club GM Brian Lynch says he’s thrilled to have his boss nearby and welcomes Eric’s input. The club has become “quite family-oriented,” as Lynch points out, even adding a large playground. Lara notes that the plans for the kid-friendly addition were in place before she found out she was expecting. “It’s not just for us!” she insists with a laugh.

I SAID GOODBYE!!!!