Rudy You Big Dumb Idiot

I didn’t want to start Wednesday off by calling Rudy Giuliani “an extremely craven gremlin” who is “helplessly out of his depth.” Honestly, I’d rather begin my day by reading a heartwarming story about some animal that’s friends with an animal of a wildly different species, or watching my favorite genre of YouTube videos (people smoking hot peppers).

But because we live in a fallen world in which Giuliani remains an inexplicably powerful and influential figure despite years of being total trash, it falls on me to notify you that President Donald Trump’s personal attorney has made a complete fool of himself, again.

Rudy’s been doing his Rudy thing lately, making the rounds on cable news programs to tell somebody—anybody!—that the President of the United States is very good and never does crimes, and really, what are “crimes” anyway? So, when he was asked on Sunday by CNN’s Dana Bash about Trump’s involvement in a proposed development project in Moscow—one which, we’ve since learned, was being discussed well into the Trump 2016 presidential campaign—Rudy did what he does best, and blew the whole thing off.

“It was a real estate project,” Giuliani insisted. “There was a letter of intent to go forward, but no one signed it.”

You would think that, as a former federal prosecutor, Rudy would be smart enough to not make declarations about documents that people could, y’know, just look up for themselves—which is exactly what CNN’s Chris Cuomo did. And wouldn’t you know it? It turns out a bunch of people did sign the document after all, including then-presidential candidate Donald Trump, whose signature is right there on page seven.

So was Rudy was lying to Bash, or did he genuinely not know that Trump had actually signed the letter? Either way, it’s a pretty bad look, not that being demonstratively proven wrong is the sort of thing that might trigger anything resembling “embarrassment” or “shame” in Giuliani. When he was reached for comment by the Daily News, Giuliani insisted that “I don’t think I said nobody signed it” (he did) and besides, the letter is “bullshit” because “it means nothing but an expression of interest that means very little unless it goes to a contract and it never did.”

Death. Taxes. Rudy Giuliani being a total jackass.