Schmuck of the Week: Senior Presidential Advisor Hunter Biden

Oh you thought we were free from doofus presidential scions having far too much power in the United States government? Think again. Ivanka and the dead-eyed Trump boys were a window into our future my friends, not an aberration. Hunter Biden sitting on the board of geopolitically strategic companies is far closer to the norm than a violation of one. The globe is awash in dumbfuck rich kids inheriting their parents’ money and power.

Which brings me to this week’s Schmuck of the Week, a new Splinter subscriber-only column that will be free for the next few weeks: Hunter Biden, who is now showing up to Medal of Honor ceremonies. The Schmuck of the Week will always be pegged to some kind of news, and I promise you this is not a rant without substance, as NBC news reported:

Hunter Biden has joined meetings with President Joe Biden and his top aides since his father returned to the White House from Camp David, Maryland, on Monday evening, according to four people familiar with the matter.

The president’s son has also been talking to senior White House staff members, these people said.

While he is regularly at the White House residence and events, it is unusual for Hunter Biden to be in and around meetings his father is having with his team, these people said. They said the president’s aides were struck by his presence during their discussions.

Here is what the New York Times reported about team Biden (what Axios called “an oligarchy”) in that family meeting at Camp David.

One of the strongest voices imploring Mr. Biden to resist pressure to drop out was his son Hunter Biden, whom the president has long leaned on for advice, said one of the people informed about the discussions, who, like others, spoke on condition of anonymity to share internal deliberations.

Hunter! What the fuck! Has Joe told you at some point after 4 pm that he’ll pardon you? Every single power merchant in D.C. is now (conveniently) leaking what they have supposedly known for months or even years, and yet you really believe that your father is up to this?

This shitshow is a testament to the delusionary power of drugs. Hunter has spent many of his days snorting coke and banging escorts, and now walks triumphantly into the private residence to advise his father on matters of the presidency. We are truly through the looking glass here. Our choices are between two men whose brains are melting out of their ears who have handed the car keys to a favored child constitutionally incapable of being able to handle this kind of responsibility, let alone any in their own lives.

Do not avert your eyes, America (don’t worry The Sun blurred it out anyway). Look into the face of our new president outside the hours of 10 am and 8 pm.

The Democrats deserve this. They have spent this entire century trying to clear the field for their own designated Anointed One, and now this scheme to install a Vice President so unpopular she dropped out before anyone could vote and a president who strongly intimated he would serve only one-term is blowing up in their faces. It’s a shame the rest of us have to pay for it, but we must find silver linings to clutch on to in this collapsing empire, lest we lose our minds entirely. I can think of few better images for the end-stages of American decline than Hunter Biden striding from the courthouse to some of the most classified meetings on planet Earth.

Hunter, if you are reading this, please, I beg you, convince the old man to step aside while he still has time to do so gracefully and without nuking whatever is left of his legacy at this point. I want to fall out of a coconut tree. I need to fall out of a coconut tree, Hunter. And I know you need to too.

Besides, I’m sure you can still negotiate whatever sweet sundown deal you got from daddy into the transition. It’s clear that you are now something like a Chief-of-Staff/senior advisor figure, which means that you’re officially in the muck. Your only options now are captaining this struggle to push a growing boulder up an increasingly steepening hill while being forced to argue that your nepotistic-inclined elderly candidate is better than theirs…or chilling in a sensory deprivation tank and drinking a White Claw while the rest of us go ponder our existence in the context of all in which we live and what came before us.

Your choice. No pressure, Hunter. The fate of the country may be in your hands, you schmuck.