Sci-Fi Roundball Rock: Could Ripley Beat Snake Plissken One-On-One?

The release of the latest Alien film (and the post-Olympics absence of basketball) has us thinking back to one of the weirdest moments in the franchise: the time in 1997’s Alien: Resurrection when we learned that if you clone Ellen Ripley and cross a human with a Xenomorph, you get a hardcore baller with hops for days and crazy handles.

Prior to this revelation, Sigourney Weaver’s Ripley had simply been the ultimate sci-fi survivor, not a blessed hooper. Across the first three films, she had outrun, outgunned, and outlasted alien queens, androids, inmates, and company men. There was only one thing left to do: sink a behind-the-back three after undescending Ron Pearlman’s balls.

To be honest, Alien: Resurrection is a little overhated. The Joss Whedon script is so full of quip-heavy dialogue that you may want to fling yourself out the nearest airlock, but Weaver is awesome. There are also some scenes with real emotional heft and even some clever reinventions of franchise tropes. But nothing touches the basketball scene.

The thing is, as unexpected as it is to see Ripley palm a basketball like Wemby, we should have been ready. After all, John Carpenter had already crossed ‘90s basketball culture obsession with dystopic sci-fi badassery in the previous year’s Escape From LA, an even better roundball moment (and film) with significantly higher stakes. But while Kurt Russell’s Snake Plissken going on a speed run in a caged court in the LA Coliseum to avoid getting shot is the definition of crunch time, does it mean he could take Super Ripley one-on-one? Let’s game it out. 

In terms of physical tools, you have to give Ripley the edge. Sigourney Weaver is six feet tall. Kurt Russell is five-foot-nine, though maybe you give him an inch or two in those boots. Ripley also has the demonstrated ability to play above the rim. Snake does not. 

I’m giving Snake the edge when it comes to toughness and speed. In the Escape From LA scene, he’s going end to end, sinking miss-’em-and-die shots with 10 seconds on the shot clock each time. And he’s playing with a virus slowly killing him and with only one eye. Ripley’s just screwing around on the space playground, brushing off some space toughs. I give her points for having those “Lance Stephenson blowing in LeBron’s ear” level crazy eyes, but Snake isn’t going to be intimidated. That matters. 

Ball handling is an easy win for Ripley. Did you see those moves? She’s going to break ankles like Xenomorph babies shatter sternums. Snake, on the other hand, is pushing that ball down court like an obligation. If he tries to go near the paint, Ripley is gonna pick his pocket before face-hugging the rim. 

Despite all of this, though, I’m giving Snake the win. Let me explain. Ripley’s trick-shot capability is legendary (Weaver actually made that shot, which is crazy) — but this isn’t H.O.R.S.E. 

Snake is making shots, under the aforementioned pressure, from EVERYWHERE. He doesn’t need to go anywhere near the paint, he’s automatic from 20 feet out, from beyond the arc, from half-court, even full-court. (Russell also made all those shots, which is CRAZY.) 

Even if Ripley got ahead of him, my guess is her swagger would do her in at some point and she would mess up while toying with Snake like she did with Pearlman and that weird juggling act.

Super Ripley, with her Alien gifts, is a truly impressive and challenging opponent, but Snake’s intensity, heart, and range are the difference makers here. To quote Weaver’s Aliens co-star, Bill Paxton, “game over, man. Game over!”