Stephen Miller's Third Grade Teacher Roasts Him to Hell and Back for Being 'Loner' Who Ate Glue

In the latest installment of a genre I will never tire of, The Hollywood Reporter spoke with White House ghoul Stephen Miller’s third grade teacher, who revealed that—to no one’s surprise—he was a weirdo “loner” who ate glue.

The interview, published Wednesday morning, doesn’t just contain your standard He Was An Odd Boy tale, though. This was some good ol’ fashioned tea-spilling about a nasty habit Miller couldn’t kick during his days at Santa  Monica’s Franklin Elementary School—pouring and eating dried glue off his own damn arm. Here’s Fiske with the delicious, flaky details:

Do you remember that character in Peanuts, the one called Pig Pen, with the dust cloud and crumbs flying all around him? That was Stephen Miller at 8. I was always trying to get him to clean up his desk — he always had stuff mashed up in there. He was a strange dude. I remember he would take a bottle of glue — we didn’t have glue sticks in those days — and he would pour the glue on his arm, let it dry, peel it off and then eat it.

My god.

In fairness to Stephen, if I one day transformed into a person hellbent on separating children from their families to bring forth my twisted dystopian dream of a white ethno-state, I imagine my third grade teacher would trash me for smashing my index finger in the heavy school door or being slow at the multiplication quiz line we had to pass to go out to recess. And lord knows my second grade teacher is going to spit-roast me for that ONE TIME I peed my pants at my desk because she wouldn’t let me use the bathroom pass.

Lucky for me, I’ll probably never be a literal monster so nobody will ever have to hear those embarrassing stories.