Taylor Swift and the Kansas City Chiefs Expose American Hypocrisy, Part II

Many people in America woke up joyous today, as another NFL season is on the horizon. The defending Super Bowl Champion Kansas City Chiefs and Taylor Swift will host a rematch of last year’s AFC Championship, as reigning league MVP Lamar Jackson and the Baltimore Ravens travel to Missouri tonight in what is likely to be one of the games of the year. While I, the degenerate gambler, am excited for another year of definitely not losing money while I watch football, I am dismayed at how America has rallied around such a manifestly evil empire.

Sure, the Chiefs have the greatest quarterback ever doing cool shit no one’s ever seen before under the tutelage of a head coach well-ahead of his time calling the NFL’s most effective plays from a Wendy’s menu–and that’s the undercard to an all-American love story between their star tight end and the biggest pop star on the planet. But I, the entirely unbiased Denver native, am here to tell all of America that you are fools and have been tricked by a false idol. If not for the righteous duo of Tim Tebow and Peyton Manning stepping up against this Great Evil in the early 2010s, there would be children born in the Tea Party era who never knew that cities west of Kansas City even existed.

America loves underdogs. March Madness’ entire billion-dollar branding revolves around this fundamental reality, so why the hell are we all bowing at the feet of the diametric opposite of an underdog who completely owns the AFC and constantly whines to the refs? We sure as hell didn’t glom on to this bullshit when Tom Brady did it in New England. Nothing demonstrates how we as a people have lost the plot better than the fact that we correctly identified the NFL’s bad guys during the Obama administration, but as soon as Trump became president, all of a sudden pretending you’re being persecuted while winning is cool now.

How does a supposed nation of underdogs root for the Prom King and Prom Queen to keep stuffing the nerds into lockers??? Hypocrites! These lockers are very small, and I am sick and tired of being trapped in them!

And don’t even get me started on this love story, I can see the Netflix/Peacock/Amazon Prime special about it being filmed in real time. The only part of my third eye that accepts this whole in-game TV show is Jason Kelce, because he reminded America of the sole verifiable truth in all this: offensive linemen are fuckin’ crazy.

Even the most devoted Taylor Swift fan has to be at least a little curious as to how good this breakup album could be. I’m not saying their love isn’t genuine, just that she has a well-established brand at this point. Relationships are complicated, as her gargantuan world-historic success proves.

And this one between America and the Kansas City Tomahawk Chops must end. I am so sick of watching this disgrace of a football team who taught me the true meaning of hatred skate by on a reputation America claims to hate when the Yankees and Patriots do it. Now imagine New England fans donning Native American headdress en masse until their team bans it while doing the Tomahawk Chop in between shots of Taylor Swift in a suite as the country cheers on this grotesque display, and you will get a window into my city’s personal circle of hell.

Fuck the Kansas City Chiefs. Fuck Denver’s new daddy Patrick Mahomes. Fuck Andy Reid for making part of me like the Chiefs. Fuck all the players with a criminal record this team obtains at a discount over and over while getting a total pass from the national media. Fuck “Pete Stoyanovich for President.” Fuck Travis Kelce for not letting the Gronk tight end himbo era die, and especially fuck Taylor Swift for giving this garbage franchise legitimacy in the national consciousness. I can’t wait for her next album. Go Broncos.