Texas Democrat Receives Huge Load of Deer Semen to Campaign War Chest

Everything’s bigger in Texas, they say, including the volume of deer semen a politician might expect to receive as in-kind donations. Democrat Ana Lisa Garza, a district court judge, is running for the Texas House of Representatives, and Dallas News reports that more than half of the donations in her last campaign finance report came from just one source: hot (well, frozen, actually) deer cum. Prize deer rope. $51,000 of pure buck love.

Deer semen is sold in frozen straws and, it turns out, is highly valuable. Each straw donated to the Garza campaign was valued at $1,000, but really valuable deer semen can fetch up to $20,000. The names of the individual prize deer from which the semen was lovingly extracted are listed on the campaign finance report: Hotshot. Texas Giant. Bambi Chewy. Yard Dog. Sweet Dreams. All impressive names for those big, sexy deer. Who wouldn’t fuck Texas Giant, honestly?

Fifty-one deer straws, by the way, appears to be about 25ml of white gold—the frozen semen purveyors Select Breeders says the standard straw size is 0.5ml. That’s about one shot glass of deer chowder, if you’re interested in imagining that. The number of deer one could impregnate with this haul varies depending on the number of sperm in the sample, but I bet Texas Giant could impregnate like 50 does with one straw.

It’s not entirely clear why the campaign reported the spooge as in-kind donations—which, as Dallas News explains, typically means things like “campaign advertising, polls or food and venue space for events”—because the campaign actually received the money raised from the sale of the straws, not the straws themselves. What would a campaign do with 51 straws of deer semen, after all? Mail them to their opponent?

There’s no ethics problem with any of this, to be clear. It’s just a very odd choice to painstakingly report the individual straws of—yet again I must say it, and I am sorry—deer semen, instead of the dollars raised by the auctions.

Just so you understand, the deer jizz was never in contact with either the campaign or the auction attendees. The head of the Texas Deer Association, a Garza supporter, told Dallas News that the straws remain in a safe location with liquid nitrogen and experienced personnel: “You don’t move semen around, that’s dangerous,” he said.

Absolutely. Texas Giant could definitely have someone’s eye out.