The five stages of election grief

Denial

I’m dreaming. I’m nightmaring. I’m on a very realistic ayahuasca trip. I am the subject of a TV program similar to The Truman Show.

We are living in a very cruel computer simulation.

There are millions of uncounted votes from Miami that some idiot poll worker left in a potato sack on the hood of his car.

I ate an insanely hot pepper. I ate an insanely bad mushroom. I shouldn’t have drank that Mountain Dew that’s been sitting in my fridge since 1998.

The voting machines in Cincinnati were made by Samsung. They exploded mid-count.

I got run over by a police horse and have entered a vegetative dream-state. I should be waking up, just in time for Wolf Blitzer to call North Carolina for the Democrats.

I’m sleepwalking. Someone—anyone!—punch me in the face and free me from this excruciating terror.

Anger

I blame John Podesta. I blame Susan Sarandon. I blame the racist Hitler frogs.

I blame Ted Cruz most of all. I hope he loses his sense of taste in a horrific Texas chili incident.

How could Jill Stein do this to us?

First Parks and Rec gets canceled, and now this?

Who are these unpatriotic yokels who sat out this election? We should load them into a trebuchet and fire them into the sun.

Nate Silver can leave now.

Julian Assange looks like the constipated Tilda Swinton character in an experimental French film about humiliation.

Who holds an election on a Tuesday? No one does anything on a Tuesday. I usually don’t even put on pants on Tuesday.

I’m moving to Brussels and changing my name to Svën. Catch you in Belgium, losers.

Bargaining

What if we did a re-vote?

What if every Democrat promised to buy a Donald J. Trump necktie from Macy’s if he ceded the presidency to Bernie Sanders?

Maybe California will secede. I could be an associate professor at Pepperdine University. I love fish tacos.

Can Hillary be president of the states she won? What’s the point of being a “country” anyway?

Getting screamed at by insane Nazi Sonic the Hedgehog Twitter accounts for the next four years won’t be so bad.

If Republicans get a Donald Trump White House, the rest of us deserve a Jon Stewart return to The Daily Show. It’s ONLY FAIR, he’s ALL WE HAVE.

Depression

God.

How many days off work am I allowed to lie in bed watching reruns of House Hunters

I just ate 7 slices of pepperoni pizza. Is that too much for breakfast?

Would it be weird to ask my therapist to just live on my couch for the next few weeks

You know who really gets me is that band Bright Eyes

Today I saw an advertisement for Petsmart on the side of a bus and then cried for thirty minutes

I just changed my ringtone to a slow instrumental version of “Fight Song.”

this is my fight song
take back my

You know what? I can’t even finish it.

When the hell did Kleenex get so damn expensive

Acceptance

[Actually, not there yet. Will update if this stage ever happens.]