The Michael Avenatti-Tucker Carlson Shoutfest Was So Much Worse Than I Could've Imagined

Stormy Daniels’ attorney, the attention junky and rumored presidential contender Michael Avenatti, walked into the lion’s den Thursday night for an interview with Fox News’ resident white supremacist sympathizer Tucker Carlson. And folks? However bad it sounds just reading this sentence, believe me when I tell you the actual segment was so much worse.

After initially promising “as a gesture of goodwill” not to refer to Avenatti by “a certain unflattering nickname” that he’s worked hard to assign to the lawyer, Carlson spent the entire interview leering at his guest over a chyron that dubbed Avenatti “creepy porn lawyer” anyway.

Unfortunately, that was among the classier moments of the segment.

For nearly 15 minutes, two of the most infuriating men on television yelled, interrupted, and tried to out-alpha-male one another to no avail. It felt like watching two monster trucks driven by kindergarteners smash headfirst into one another over and over and over again. It was great TV. It made me want to die.

Here are just a sampling of some of the subjects the pair broached:

• Russia staging an “electronic invasion” of the U.S.
• President Donald Trump’s use (or not) of condoms.
• Stormy Daniels’ strip club tour across the U.S.
• Avenatti’s taxes.
• Incoherent yelling.

And here are just some of the random thoughts that came to mind while I watched these two men fart out of their mouths:

• Who is this for?
• Michael Avenatti is an extremely shiny man.
• How is this interview only half way done?
• Has anyone ever given Tucker a swirly in the Fox News bathrooms?
• Honestly, we deserve this.
• Incoherent yelling.

Brave reader. If you absolutely must, you can watch the entire interview below. Or, if you value your life and your sanity, you can honor the sacrifice I’ve made on your behalf—take my word for it that it was unspeakably bad, and you’d be better off hugging a loved one instead.