The Most Racist Sodas, Ranked, According to J.D. Vance

My fellow True American Patriots, our freedoms are under attack yet again. The woke mob won’t even let us real red-blooded Americans drink the soda we want anymore, so says our new hero from America’s heartland, J.D. Vance, in what was definitely not the cringiest moment of the presidential campaign yet.

The coastal elites controlling our tastebuds with 5G waves are trying to push us into the arms of Coke and Pepsi, who everyone knows are just fronts for the deep state, demanding we stop asking questions about other unhealthy ways to quench our thirst. The diabolical communist plot to brand every non-deep state soda as racist is in full swing all around you, and if you can’t see it, well then you obviously didn’t study 4chan as deeply as myself and our future Vice President.

Open your third eye folks! Thank the American God that super normal and well-adjusted human J.D. Vance has come to save us all, and expose the plot by the woke mind virus to slander the good name of American sodas.

I had a totally real conversation with J.D. Vance that definitely was not invented for satiric purposes, and he clued me in on this nefarious scheme to sully the good name of some of America’s finest sodas. Here are the disturbing results of our joint effort to uncover the plot to destroy the United States by branding our beloved sodas as irredeemable racists.

4. Monster Energy Drink

Wow libs, some are telling me that Monster isn’t soda? Really? We’re discriminating against sugary carbonated drinks just because it has enough caffeine in it to reanimate Joe Biden’s presidency and is primarily consumed by white teen boys playing Call of Duty while saying the n-word? Wow. Wowwwwww. OK. Now the libs have really gone and done it.

We must organize a national boycott of buying drinks that aren’t Monster Energy. Even A&W Cream Soda. Everything must be sacrificed to the conservative id driving my rage at the invented controversy of the hour. I don’t care that Coca-Cola owns a 16.7% stake in them, that’s just the deep state keeping an eye on a True American Patriot. This is America damnit, people like J.D. Vance say what reality is, not the woke mob.