The Most Racist Sodas, Ranked, According to J.D. Vance

My fellow True American Patriots, our freedoms are under attack yet again. The woke mob won’t even let us real red-blooded Americans drink the soda we want anymore, so says our new hero from America’s heartland, J.D. Vance, in what was definitely not the cringiest moment of the presidential campaign yet.

The coastal elites controlling our tastebuds with 5G waves are trying to push us into the arms of Coke and Pepsi, who everyone knows are just fronts for the deep state, demanding we stop asking questions about other unhealthy ways to quench our thirst. The diabolical communist plot to brand every non-deep state soda as racist is in full swing all around you, and if you can’t see it, well then you obviously didn’t study 4chan as deeply as myself and our future Vice President.

Open your third eye folks! Thank the American God that super normal and well-adjusted human J.D. Vance has come to save us all, and expose the plot by the woke mind virus to slander the good name of American sodas.

I had a totally real conversation with J.D. Vance that definitely was not invented for satiric purposes, and he clued me in on this nefarious scheme to sully the good name of some of America’s finest sodas. Here are the disturbing results of our joint effort to uncover the plot to destroy the United States by branding our beloved sodas as irredeemable racists.

1. Diet Mountain Dew

This was the explosive reveal that blew the top off of this whole conspiracy. Vance swore to me that Dale Earnhardt Jr. exposed the whole thing to him, and he drove the Diet Mountain Dew car in 2015 as a quiet symbol of deep state resistance. While some were characterizing Vance’s brave journalism as “weird” and “off-putting” and “why does he talk like that?”, those are just the deep state agents sent by the woke mind virus to destroy your brain with Chinese Communist Party propaganda.

Vance’s shocking Diet Mountain Dew exposé will reverberate throughout history, etched alongside great American moments like George Washington crossing the Delaware River, Abraham Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address and that time Donald Trump pointed at me at one of his rallies. Diet Mountain Dew is now the official drink of Real American Conservatives, and it is our mission sent down from the heavens to make it the most popular drink in the world. I have already placed an order for 10,000 pallets, and you should too, fellow patriot, lest you want to let the libs win and brand you, an incredibly normal, sane and well-adjusted person, a racist soda enthusiast.