The Most Racist Sodas, Ranked, According to J.D. Vance

My fellow True American Patriots, our freedoms are under attack yet again. The woke mob won’t even let us real red-blooded Americans drink the soda we want anymore, so says our new hero from America’s heartland, J.D. Vance, in what was definitely not the cringiest moment of the presidential campaign yet.

The coastal elites controlling our tastebuds with 5G waves are trying to push us into the arms of Coke and Pepsi, who everyone knows are just fronts for the deep state, demanding we stop asking questions about other unhealthy ways to quench our thirst. The diabolical communist plot to brand every non-deep state soda as racist is in full swing all around you, and if you can’t see it, well then you obviously didn’t study 4chan as deeply as myself and our future Vice President.

Open your third eye folks! Thank the American God that super normal and well-adjusted human J.D. Vance has come to save us all, and expose the plot by the woke mind virus to slander the good name of American sodas.

I had a totally real conversation with J.D. Vance that definitely was not invented for satiric purposes, and he clued me in on this nefarious scheme to sully the good name of some of America’s finest sodas. Here are the disturbing results of our joint effort to uncover the plot to destroy the United States by branding our beloved sodas as irredeemable racists.

3. Squirt

My friends and fellow patriots, it is our God-given American duty to support an American classic, Squirt, in its longstanding war against the deep state. Sprite is a Manchurian candidate, a Coke in sheep’s clothing, and we must resist its refreshing temptations. The deep state is very powerful, as they have enlisted LeBron James in their quest to imply that anyone who enjoys a lemon-lime soda not manufactured in the bowels of hell to be an unrepentant racist. Squirt me in the mouth, I don’t care how cringe it is. I’ll take it all. Anything to stand beside J.D. and my brothers in Real America’s defense.