The Republican Party’s most desperate ideas to stop Donald Trump

“In dozens of interviews, elected officials, political strategists and donors described a frantic, last-ditch campaign to block Mr. Trump.” – The New York Times

Ladies and gentlemen—elected officials, political strategists, donors—I have gathered you here to launch a frantic, last-ditch campaign to block Donald Trump.

The ideas you are about to hear are going to sound odd. They are going to sound shocking, and perhaps implausible. They are going to sound, in two words, frantic and last-ditch.

But we are facing a candidate that we all find unacceptable. The situation, ladies and gentlemen, calls for ideas that are frantic, and last-ditch.

OK, let’s do this. No judgment.

What if we lured Donald Trump into a wine cellar with promises of a rare vintage, got him inebriated, and then entombed him alive?

What if we started a new political party—we can call it the R3publ1can Party, for branding purposes—and then named our own G0P nominee?

What if we promised every Donald Trump supporter that, in return for not voting for Donald Trump, they would be entered in a sweepstakes where winners could receive an iPad Pro, or a $50 gift certificate to The Home Depot?

What if we crawled through the deserts of Agrabah, searching for sand-buried magic lamps?

Does anyone own a Monkey’s Paw?

What if we released thousands of snakes into every Donald Trump rally? What about spiders? Bedbugs? A sleeping gas?

What if Donald Trump is like the Biblical Samson, and if we can get to his hair, we can rob him of his strength?

What’s Mitt Romney up to? What about John McCain? Bob Dole? Dan Quayle? Tilda Swinton?

What if we added a clause to the Republican Party bylaws that forbade membership to anyone who has appeared in Wrestlemania 23?

What if John Kasich appeared on Carpool Karaoke? What if Marco Rubio did Lip Sync Battle (“November Rain”)? What if Ted Cruz dabbed on The Ellen Show, and then howled “Damn, Daniel!” on Fallon later that night? Would that help their numbers?

What if we launched a new requirement that the Republican candidate must be able to defeat the Turbo Tunnel level of Battletoads on his or her first try with no cheat codes and no Game Genie, and then we secretly slipped a Game Genie to all the other candidates except for Donald Trump?

What if we invited Donald Trump to a rodeo, and patiently explained to him what an honor it was to compete as a cowboy, and what a beautiful sport rodeo is, with such rich history, and then convinced him to drop this whole “presidential campaign” malarkey in order to live life as a professional bull rider, way out in wild and beautiful Montana?

What if we hired a very convincing Donald Trump lookalike to give a speech in which he repeatedly declared that “Con Air” is a superior film to “The Rock” and that, when pressed, also admitted that he didn’t really see the appeal of “Face/Off”?

Do we know of any Republican governors who are able to cast spells?

What if we convinced every Donald Trump voter that this was the first year you could vote via Facebook Poll, and created a huge Facebook Group called “Official Presidential Election Polling Station! Vote Here!!! This Counts And You Do Not Need To Actually Go To The Polling Station!!! PLEASE SHARE!!!!”

Does anyone know anyone who owns a Monkey’s Paw?

What if we built special voting booths for Donald Trump supporters that, when you pulled the lever for Donald Trump, dropped you into a deep, deep pit? There would be cushions in the pit, so you wouldn’t die, as well as canned meat for sustenance.

What if we framed Donald Trump for a terrible crime—let’s say a murder—by smearing the blood of someone in his own kitchen? The so-called “victim” would be fine — she just drew her own blood, smeared it on the floor of Donald Trump’s kitchen, and then cut her hair and ran away, staying at dingy motels with plenty of spending money under the mattress. Meanwhile, Donald Trump is a local pariah, thanks to the 24/7 news cycle and shoddy police work at the local precinct.

Do you think they sell Monkey’s Paws (real) at West Elm?

How do coups work?