These #MAGA Raps Almost Give Me the Will to Live

If you don’t know who Scott Adams is, congratulations to you for (probably) living a fulfilling life, rather than obsessively tracking the activities of the worst people on the internet. Adams is the creator of Dilbert, a comic strip about the deeply ingrained authoritarian tendencies of engineers disguised as a light satire of the modern workplace. He is also an enthusiastic admirer of President Donald Trump, to whom he attributes nearly-supernatural rhetorical gifts.

Over the weekend, in a familiar display of those gifts, Donald Trump picked a Twitter fight with Jay-Z, after the rap legend criticized Trump for calling majority-black nations like Haiti “shithole countries.”

Normal weekend presidenting.

Then, Adams called on his Twitter fans, a medium-sized army of white, also-Trump-supporting men’s rights activists, to submit their OWN rap verses about why they LOVE the president.

Since we live in Hellworld™️, Adam’s most ardent followers decided to create these “raps” of their own to counteract the mainstream liberal narrative.

Prepare yourself for some “bars,” and lots of sideways baseball hats, because apparently white Trump supporters haven’t updated their hip-hop cultural benchmarks since, like, 2006.

Allow me, a white woman with little to no musical ability, to grade each of these submissions.

“New York Slimes” long-sleeved T-shirt? Check. Dramatic B&W filter? Double-check. Spooky forest backdrop? Triple-check—though I’m unsure why one would need sunglasses in this foggy forest scene. Straining to sound like your voice is one register below where it actually is, to fully establish your alpha male status? QUADRUPLE-FRIGGIN’-CHECK, MY GUY. Grade: A-

Hm. Might want to work on your “flow,” Robert. But I appreciate your aesthetic touches—everyone knows that rapsters love wearing *checks notes* high school debate medals. Grade: B-

Oh boy. Where to begin, @Cerebral_PaulC? I’d hope they teach the difference between an iamb and a trochee at the great University of Michigan. Maybe next time hit the sativa before you go in, so your “bars” don’t sound so… “cerebral.” Grade: D+

I have a lot of questions, Tom. 1. Is that a camo MAGA hat? Actually don’t answer that. 2. When was the last time you saw a rapper wear a hat in the fashion with which you are wearing that hat? Was it sometime in the past 10 years? Please be specific. 3. Where’d you get that backing track, my guy? I’m getting major “Notorious Thugs” intro piano vibes—kudos. 4. I don’t understand the napkin thing, and I don’t care to, but points for holding it on your chin like that for the entirety of the video. Grade: F+

Kathy and Kathy’s friend (son?): This certainly fulfills all the rules laid out by Adams. Points for the rhinestone USA flag baseball cap, and for being able to hear you click the backing track at the beginning of the video. Grade: firm C.

The screengrab had me worried. And while this does not stick to the prompt, I found myself pleasantly surprised by Marty’s rendition—aside from, you know, the lyrical content. Grade: A

Mike: Your sound rig needs some work, and your tone is all over the place, despite this only being a 12-second-long video. That said, you picked up steam toward the end, and I have to admit the backing track is p. wavy. Grade: B-

It’s hard to see how Jay-Z will ever recover from this. It’s like Ether all over again!!