Top 5 Potential Democratic Presidential Nominees

Some people are wondering today, hypothetically that is, who could potentially replace Joe Biden if something crazy were to happen, like, oh I don’t know, if he got hit by an asteroid or something. Totally hypothetical! This curiosity is not at all inspired by anything that happened last night. The presidential debate was super normal and not at all newsworthy, so my DNC fundraising e-mails tell me. Joe did great, I heard he called Donald Trump a liar!

But now I log on to the internet and am confused. Why does everybody seem to want a new president? I was told that alley cat line slayed. What are these quotes about “aggressive panic” and “we have a problem” and “If it gets Biden not to run, then it was very good,” that I’m seeing? What does Jon Stewart mean when he says “resting 25th Amendment face”?

To try to be helpful through all this chaos and confusion, I thought I’d put together a little list of possible replacements should something wild and unexpected occur. Again, totally hypothetical and definitely not at all a thing that most people in America are thinking about today for no reason whatsoever!

Like for Trump’s potential Vice President candidates, we will sort this according to PredictIt odds as of this writing, which are flying around like shitcoins on the back of a Fed announcement, so it’s not likely the price will be the same when you read this. I wanted to do a top ten, but no one’s betting the token lefties down at one cent, and all the money is concentrated around five potential nominees. First up, a man who governs the root of the Democrats’ famed Midwest firewall that rests entirely on Nebraska which contains an exceedingly likely portal to hell where Trump and Biden tie.

5. JB Pritzker (3 cents)

Pritzker is the governor of Illinois and has more money than anyone other than the DNC in this race. He’s the only outsider who could actually buy his way into the chase should said totally theoretical asteroid create a power vacuum in the Democratic Party that definitely does not exist at this present moment. Pritzker has also done really great stuff to lower the price of insulin in Illinois, and he has governed in a way that has earned him a lot of goodwill with a lot of different constituencies. The contrast he could provide to Trump as the actual billionaire in the race would be fun.