Top 5 Potential Democratic Presidential Nominees

Some people are wondering today, hypothetically that is, who could potentially replace Joe Biden if something crazy were to happen, like, oh I don’t know, if he got hit by an asteroid or something. Totally hypothetical! This curiosity is not at all inspired by anything that happened last night. The presidential debate was super normal and not at all newsworthy, so my DNC fundraising e-mails tell me. Joe did great, I heard he called Donald Trump a liar!

But now I log on to the internet and am confused. Why does everybody seem to want a new president? I was told that alley cat line slayed. What are these quotes about “aggressive panic” and “we have a problem” and “If it gets Biden not to run, then it was very good,” that I’m seeing? What does Jon Stewart mean when he says “resting 25th Amendment face”?

To try to be helpful through all this chaos and confusion, I thought I’d put together a little list of possible replacements should something wild and unexpected occur. Again, totally hypothetical and definitely not at all a thing that most people in America are thinking about today for no reason whatsoever!

Like for Trump’s potential Vice President candidates, we will sort this according to PredictIt odds as of this writing, which are flying around like shitcoins on the back of a Fed announcement, so it’s not likely the price will be the same when you read this. I wanted to do a top ten, but no one’s betting the token lefties down at one cent, and all the money is concentrated around five potential nominees. First up, a man who governs the root of the Democrats’ famed Midwest firewall that rests entirely on Nebraska which contains an exceedingly likely portal to hell where Trump and Biden tie.

1. Joe Biden (67 cents)

What a shock! The President of the United States is number one! Part of me had assumed since everyone to the left of Mitt Romney has been debating some of these names today that he would not make the cut, but ‘ol comeback Joe did it again. The most unpopular incumbent president in American history is still the heavy favorite to be the nominee a month out from the convention.

via GIPHY

Part of me can’t help but think there’s great value on the president right now due to all this hysteria over this asteroid, but people seem to be really concerned about it. Probably best to hedge your bets, just to be safe should anything bad happen, you know, hypothetically.