Top 5 Potential Democratic Presidential Nominees

Some people are wondering today, hypothetically that is, who could potentially replace Joe Biden if something crazy were to happen, like, oh I don’t know, if he got hit by an asteroid or something. Totally hypothetical! This curiosity is not at all inspired by anything that happened last night. The presidential debate was super normal and not at all newsworthy, so my DNC fundraising e-mails tell me. Joe did great, I heard he called Donald Trump a liar!

But now I log on to the internet and am confused. Why does everybody seem to want a new president? I was told that alley cat line slayed. What are these quotes about “aggressive panic” and “we have a problem” and “If it gets Biden not to run, then it was very good,” that I’m seeing? What does Jon Stewart mean when he says “resting 25th Amendment face”?

To try to be helpful through all this chaos and confusion, I thought I’d put together a little list of possible replacements should something wild and unexpected occur. Again, totally hypothetical and definitely not at all a thing that most people in America are thinking about today for no reason whatsoever!

Like for Trump’s potential Vice President candidates, we will sort this according to PredictIt odds as of this writing, which are flying around like shitcoins on the back of a Fed announcement, so it’s not likely the price will be the same when you read this. I wanted to do a top ten, but no one’s betting the token lefties down at one cent, and all the money is concentrated around five potential nominees. First up, a man who governs the root of the Democrats’ famed Midwest firewall that rests entirely on Nebraska which contains an exceedingly likely portal to hell where Trump and Biden tie.

2. Gavin Newsom (18 cents)

The governor of California looks like he is fresh off the assembly line of the DNC’s clone program, and overseeing the sixth largest economy in the world is a pretty good case to be president. Being this high makes sense, as it has long been clear the Democrats are grooming Newsom for any theoretical asteroid-laden future. More than anyone on this list, what he would do with the power is a mystery, as Newsom is so polished for a politician that there is a part of the human brain that just cannot help but inherently distrust him.