Trump Moves Inauguration Indoors, as Millions of Terrible Climate Jokes are Born

Washington, D.C. will see temperatures down in the teens on Monday, prompting Donald Trump to announce that the bulk of the inaugural ceremonies will be moved indoors to the Capitol rotunda. In a related story, a host of unoriginal and unfunny dorks sharpened their pencils in order to write out the same stale “what happened to global warming??” jokes as the president is sworn in for his second term.

“I don’t want to see people hurt, or injured, in any way,” Trump said on Truth Social, leaving aside the fact that a much smaller indoor ceremony relieves him of the potential for the apparently deep psychic wound that comes from having fewer people at his inauguration than the Black guy did. It also allows Fox News hosts and the Worst Posters in the World on X to hone a two-decade-old joke formulation, whereby the cold weather outside renders the reality of global climate change into a punchline more weathered than the bottom of the Grand Canyon.

“I thought it was supposed to be hot out there!” they will say. “Whew, coldest warming apocalypse I’ve ever been in!” will echo forth. “I’d take some climate change right now, that’s for sure!”

The returning president, amid a national discourse surrounding some patently absurd definitions of the word “masculine,” will retreat to the warmth of the Capitol building, forever rendering the Presidential Toughness Rankings as: 1. William Henry Harrison … [all the rest] … 45. Donald Trump. But at least he can later bask in the glow of his television and social media sites, letting the rank odors of the dumbest jokes in the world wash over him.