We Should Fire the Speaker of the House Every Day

Marjorie Taylor Greene is right. Speaker of the House Mike Johnson must go. He is a cretinous barnacle on our nation’s capital, unfit to serve the populace because of his radical domestic agenda (and weird and confusing foreign one as one of the few people in Congress with real responsibilities on that front). We should back the plan to fire him as Speaker of the House today.

Then we should appoint Marjorie Taylor Greene as Speaker.

And fire her too.

As a thanks to Rep. Thomas Massie for helping to shuffle this trend along, he can be Speaker next.

But then he gets the boot too.

In a horseshoe theory unity bid that makes all the weird globe guys on Twitter all hot and sweaty, next up can be Speaker Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

Fire her too damnit.

Fire everyone.

If we’re going to drown in a political world overflowing with stupidity and feigned ignorance, we should at least have some fun with it when we can. This hot new idea to perpetually fire the Speaker of the House may be considered by some to be radical, but this is just what the cutting edge of political innovation looks like.

Many partisan Democrats and other norm pearl-clutchers may be aghast at the mere suggestion of defiling one of the nation’s supposed hallowed halls like this, but they all can go retrieve their precious norms from the rubble of Gaza if they’d like—although I’m not sure that would make them real again, if they ever were.

If Marjorie Taylor Greene and friends are successful in axing another Speaker, that would put us in Speaker price discovery territory anyway, so let’s give this trend a boost and extend it to its maximum depravity. This razor-thin House margin presents the ideal conditions to fire every Speaker every day, as it only takes a literal handful of true sickos devoted to the cause. If any of you reading this are one of the 435 folks who can make this dream happen that many smart and attractive people are telling me is the Next Big Thing, please reach out. Let’s come up with a plan.

Anyone in the United States can be Speaker of the House, not just politicians, and we should take advantage of this loophole to set a new bar for stupidity. Like divorced parents, both parties could negotiate alternating weeks of their respective celebrity House hosts. Conservatives can etch Speaker Ted Nugent, Speaker Alex Jones and Speaker Kid Rock into history while MSNBC’s array of Bush administration officials don their hot dog costumes and screech that someone should figure out how this kind of lunacy spread in the GOP.

The next week they could all act like nothing happened en route to a weeklong celebration of the brave and stunning accomplishments of Speaker Lin-Manuel Miranda, Speaker Amy Schumer and Speaker Oprah. Let’s show the world that Trump is just the tip of the spear of our unhinged political imagination.

I want Speaker Beyoncé. I want Speaker Taylor Swift. I want Speaker Travis Kelce. I want Speaker Whoever Wins a Rap Battle Between Drake, J. Cole and Kendrick Lamar. I want Speaker Kanye. I want Speaker Sandworm from Dune. I want to get weird with it. I want to fire them all.

Who cares about the supposed honor of institutions when your empire is failing and facilitating a genocide “with ample evidence.” The institutions have long since invalidated themselves. We’re just living through their death throes of legitimacy. Nihilism or madness are two of the only logical routes out of this corner we’ve been backed into—and we need to deploy our nihilism strategically—because broad-based nihilism is how we speak our complaints into existence, and let madness and the billionaires win.

So let’s at least screw with the billionaires’ precious purchased illegitimate institutions as we hang around and wait for our warming planet to boil the oceans and coral reefs alive while losing us $38 trillion every year. This dystopia was brought to us by institutions like the House, so there’s no reason to show them any more respect than they have shown us. Speaker Ted Nugent is actually far too much legitimacy to provide to an entity that has helped accelerate the end of the world as we know it.

This moment in time and this extremely thin margin in a House of Representatives filled with folks who want history to remember them as smart and attractive presents us with an unparalleled opportunity. Fellow anti-institutional sickos with power inside the House, I ask you to join me in pushing for a better world. A world without Speakers. A world with more joy. And a world where powerful people are told to go fuck themselves a lot more often than they are now.