Who the Hell Is Matt Whitaker? 

After Attorney General Jeff Sessions, a horrible, racist hobbit of a man, abruptly resigned Wednesday afternoon, Donald Trump announced Matt Whitaker will be his immediate replacement, at least for now. So you may find yourself wondering: Who the hell is Matt Whitaker? If you did, you’re not alone!

Whitaker, who’s served as Sessions’ chief of staff since 2017, has been a longtime critic of Robert Mueller’s sweeping Russia probe. So the prevailing thought at the moment seems to be that Whitaker will happily do what Sessions would not by involving himself in the investigation, which I am positive will produce spectacular blogs and absolutely nothing else positive for this country.

But to answer your question the way most outlets will: Whitaker previously served as a U.S. district attorney in Des Moines, IA. Before that, he was a conservative law school grad who worked for Rick Perry’s 2012 presidential campaign and spent his free time espousing typical conservative ideals—being pro-life, anti-immigration, and hamming it up about a “balanced budget.” Before that, he played football at the University of Iowa, a fact that Whitaker loves to remind folks of.

Now, all that is important, but that’s not what’s most important to know about Whitaker. What you need to know about Sessions’ temporary replacement is three-fold: 1) He finds Russian politics “interesting,” 2) he thinks his wife is attractive, and 3) he stole wifi from Taco John’s, which I can only imagine is the disavowed stepson of disgraced national hero Papa John.

Please, for the sake of everyone in dire need of some post-midterm pick-me-ups, give me all the amazing posts our future attorney general made when he was (checks Wikipedia) 41 years old.