Why Is Nobody Worried About Justin Bieber?

“This weekend Miss Miley Cyrus turned twenty-one and last night we were reminded that she’s just a kid at heart…how else would you explain the lip singing kitten in the foreground of her AMA performance?

Yep that was weird…even for Miley. The a-m-as showcased a ton of young talent …including another star that’s been making just as many headlines as Miley.

Dear Justin Bieber,

I’m just writing you this note to let you know that while you sing in angelic falcetto, and while you may have a girl’s haircut, you benefit greatly from not actually being a girl.

You and Miley Cyrus have many things in common. You both stole our hearts as baby faced swooners. You both captured headlines with your g-rated romances and subsequent break ups. Neither of you look like you once did, and yet you have started to look like one another.

Miley lit up on stage and you and Miley both hinted at your suspected drug use on SNL. Yep it seems like you two couldn’t be more similar. Yet the reactions to your choices couldn’t be more different.

Yes Miley showed some skin in that teddy bear baby Bjorn leotard, but you haven’t worn a shirt in over a year. Yet, no one seems to care.

At the tender age of 16, innocent as a rose, you did a photo shoot with Kim Kardashian, inspired by the graduate, you know, the iconic film about a much younger guy boning an older woman. In the shoot, Kim was thirty, you were sixteen. But, sure, there’s nothing creepy about that; nothing to worry about.

Yet at this year’s VMA’s Miley, who was twenty years old, twerked in proximity to Robin Thicke and everyone lost their minds. Brooke Shields called her “desperate” on the today show and “morning joe” host Mika Brzezinski called her downright “disgusting.” Yes, her tongue made me uncomfortable too ladies, but she was twenty, an adult.

And while everyone was going bonkers over Miley, no one seemed to care about your walking out of a brothel in Rio de Janeiro where you reportedly had sex with prostitutes in quote “all the positions.”

Sure, the story got plastered all over the internets but it’s just another outrageous story to catalog your party boy phase. Meanwhile Sinead O’Connor wrote Miley an open letter, saying, “[music executives] will prostitute you for all your worth, and cleverly make you think it’s what you wanted….”

So to recap: Miley being metaphorically prostituted…bad; Bieber literally frequenting prostitutes…nothing to get bent out of shape about.

Justin, you made party guests sign a $3 million confidentiality agreement, whereby they agree: “not to tweet, text, phone, Facebook, record, write or in any other manner spill the beans on what went on inside.”

And we’re worried about Miley? I get it. It’s your house and you can do what you want to, but what’s going on behind those closed doors, Justin? Is it something I need to see to Be-lieb?

Dude, listen, you seem to be having the time of your life. You still owe Germany $10 grand for leaving your pet monkey at the airport, you showed up two hours late for a concert because you were playing video games and peed in a bucket at a restaurant even though the unoccupied bathroom was only a few feet away.

But somehow I don’t think we’ll remember that idiotic expression of bro-ness because at the end of the day, it’s just bros being bros. It probably won’t hurt your brand.

What can I say? Consider yourself lucky to be on the right side of such an egregious double standard.”

XOXO, A